Traps
by MyGirlCrais
Summary: With a week to kill before his wedding, Rumil bets Orophin they can make Haldir and his sworn enemy admit they are in love with each other. But the course of true love never does run smooth... HaldirOFC On Indefinite Hiatus
1. The Reluctant Chaperone

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and everything associated with it belongs to J R R Tolkien and New Line Cinema etc.  
  
This fic is more influenced by the Haldir fanfic I've read that by book or movie canon. Elvish words and names you don't recognise, I've made up.  
  
This fic is written to a) have fun and b) hopefully break my writer's block. It does not pretend to a) conform to Tolkien's vision of the elves or b) be a great literary masterpiece. You have been warned.  
  
Have fun! Feedback greatly appreciated.  
  
'Traps'  
  
Part 1  
  
Salia danced across the lawn, sprang over Tulienne, who was lying on the grass decimating ahrane flowers and sat down with a thump beside Ceilwyn. "They're back," she announced.  
  
Ceilwyn's relatively relaxed expression vanished from her face and she went as pale as her hair. "Already?" she gasped. "But . . . but . . ."  
  
"I don't know what you're getting so panicky about," Tulienne said, raising her head to stare at her cousin. "You should be glad to see him."  
  
"Yes, but what if he's changed his mind?" Ceilwyn whispered plaintively, starting to twirl locks of her hair around her fingers.  
  
Salia and Tulienne rolled their eyes at each other.  
  
"And here I was labouring under the delusion that the fact that he asked you to marry him, told everyone he knew about it and literally went down on his knees and begged my uncle for his permission, might actually have convinced you of his affection," Tulienne said dryly.  
  
"How wrong can one get?" Salia agreed.  
  
Ceilwyn had the grace to blush. "I just worry, that's all. He's been gone almost four months."  
  
"For the final time, Wyn," Tulienne said. "Rumil loves you. He always has and he always will . . . unless he wants me to decapitate him with his own sword. As soon as he's tidied himself up he will find you and start whispering the frankly revolting sentiments you seem to like so much into your ear and all will be well. In a week you'll be married and that will put an end to it, because if you even attempt to carry on this behaviour through your married life I will personally pack you off to the borders with him every time he goes."  
  
"You'd need Haldir's permission," Salia pointed out, smiling slyly at her cousin.  
  
Tulienne's lip curled. "An unpleasant detail, I'll admit, but desperate times call for desperate measures."  
  
"After my wedding you'll be related so you will stop saying such things, won't you?" Ceilwyn said anxiously.  
  
"Distantly," Tulienne said. "Very distantly. And I will continue saying such things for as long as they are deserved. The March Warden is an arrogant, conceited, snobby, tight-arsed pain in the evlonne with an ego the size of the whole of middle earth and nothing could possibly happen to change my opinion of him."  
  
"But you will admit that he has a handsome face?" Salia asked, winking at her sister. Tulienne missed it.  
  
"Freely. But I do not consider that to make up for the rest of him."  
  
Salia grinned, a teasing look in her blue eyes. "I see no fault in the rest of him either."  
  
"Don't think I don't know what you are trying to do, cousin," Tulienne said, looking back up from her flowers. "But I assure you, until the leaves of Lothlorien turn black, the March Warden and I will remain the truest, most devoted enemies this world has ever seen."  
  
***  
  
"Haldir, hurry up. Ceilwyn will start to wonder if I am with some other maiden," Rumil said, leaning on the doorframe. Then he paused and smiled wryly. "And then her father will render me incapable of fatherhood."  
  
Haldir pulled on his boots. "That is your fault for marrying into such a family. I see no reason why I need to attend this reunion."  
  
"As chaperone."  
  
Haldir's expression grew grimmer. "I begin to suspect that he will expect me to supervise your wedding night."  
  
Rumil shuddered, then recovered. "I am starting to wonder myself," he said. "At this rate, he may decide that I must be married for a century before I am allowed to be alone with my own wife."  
  
"As I said, perhaps an unwise choice of bride. I do not see why she is worth all the aggravation."  
  
A smile finally came to Rumil's lips. "I know you do not, Brother, but I do. So come, Orophin is waiting. Besides, you wouldn't want to miss seeing Tulienne."  
  
Haldir gave a rather undignified snort as he stood. "Indeed, I could hardly bear the loss of that chance."  
  
"You enjoy sparring with her and you know it," Rumil said, as he led the way out. "She's just like you. Only female. And dark."  
  
"She is infuriating," Haldir replied, as they descended the stairs. "Arrogant, stubborn, conceited and rude."  
  
Rumil grinned. "As I said," he said. "She's just like you."  
  
He felt Haldir's eyes narrow behind him. "If you wish to be in good health for your wedding, I suggest you avoid any more remarks of that nature."  
  
"Fine," Rumil said cheerily. "I'll just leave them to Tulienne."  
  
***  
  
Haldir sat, his face impassive, trying to watch Rumil without seeing what he was doing. It was a skill even he hadn't quite mastered.  
  
For six months he had had to tolerate chaperone duty. It was an old custom. A very old custom. Old enough to have almost been forgotten, even by elves. Frankly, Haldir could see why everyone had wanted to see the back of it. Trust Rumil to fall for one of the only two maidens in Lothlorien whose father insisted on it. Worse still, he had a terrible suspicion that Orophin was about to follow suit and start to court Salia. Just when the end was in sight . . .  
  
Something appeared in front of him and blocked his vision.  
  
"March Warden, I see you have returned once again."  
  
Haldir looked up. "I have. You have not yet succeeded in destroying all my joy in returning, though with a few more centuries' practice perhaps you will come close to it."  
  
Tulienne stared down at him, arms folded. "Do you suggest I learn from the master, then? The one who defends our borders by making our home seem so unpleasant that no one wishes to enter?"  
  
Haldir kept his smile hidden deep inside. "I would prefer it if you did not insult my brother like that."  
  
"I do not insult your brother. As you well know, I insult you. There are none more deserving."  
  
"I would suggest one. The maiden who insures that those few guests who are permitted through the borders never again wish to return."  
  
"I will thank you not to speak of my dear cousin that way."  
  
The desire to smile grew. "Ah, but I do not insult your cousin, I insult you."  
  
Before she could open her mouth again, Haldir stood. "Much as I have enjoyed this discussion, I must return to my duties."  
  
Behind him, he caught her whisper. "Always you must have the last word."  
  
He turned, and winked at her. "Yes," he said. "I must."  
  
And then he marched off before she could speak again, finally letting a ghost of a smile float across his face.  
  
***  
  
As soon as he was safely distracted, Orophin turned to Rumil. "Did you see that?" he asked.  
  
Rumil tightened his arm around Ceilwyn's waist and grinned. "I did. He likes her, more than he will admit. She is a perfect match for our brother."  
  
Salia hastily smothered a laugh before she attracted Tulienne's attention. She shifted her position, co-incidentally moving closer to Orophin. "They would talk themselves mad in a week."  
  
Orophin smiled and moved the tiniest bit closer to her. "You underestimate them. I cannot see that it would take more than a day."  
  
Rumil leaned towards Orophin. Ceilwyn and Salia followed suit. "I don't know about you, but I would very much like to find out."  
  
Orophin's eyes twinkled in mischief. "What have you in mind?"  
  
"I will bet you that we can make Haldir and Tulienne admit that they are in love with each other by my wedding day."  
  
Orophin considered this. "That's not much time. Haldir has always said he will never marry. If you are wrong, what do I win?"  
  
An identical mischievous expression appeared in Rumil's eyes. "I will put in a good word for you with Salia's father."  
  
Orophin blushed crimson, furious with his brother for putting him on the spot like that. He had meant to broach the subject when he and Salia were alone. Although, come to think of it, that might never have happened.  
  
He made himself glance at Salia. She smiled shyly, but encouragingly, back at him.  
  
"And what if you win?" he asked, his arm beginning to snake very slowly round Salia's waist.  
  
"Then I will still do it," Rumil promised, with a smile. "And we will all have the pleasure of seeing our brother finally proved wrong."  
  
Orophin grinned. "I will help."  
  
"As will I," Salia said. "Ceilwyn?"  
  
"If there is something you think I can do."  
  
"We are in agreement then," Rumil said. "We will have Haldir and Tulienne in love in a week and married before the year is out. Whether they like it or not."  
  
The four conspirators grinned at each other.  
  
Tulienne chose that moment to walk up. "What are you four twittering about?" she said. "Anything I would like?"  
  
Rumil grinned. "That remains to be seen, cousin." 


	2. Hitting The Mark

Disclaimer: One from first part still applies. Besides, if I owned Haldir, I would not be sitting here writing this, I would be engaged in finding out whether Galadhrim arrows really are the best . . .  
  
A/N: Thank you all for the kind reviews. Hope you keep reading and reviewing. I run on reviews like electricity meters run on 50ps. :-)  
  
'Part 2'  
  
Two years earlier:  
  
Haldir's sharp ears had picked up the sound of the horse long before it had reached him. His eyes widened as the rider became visible. Her dark hair marked her as a Rivendell elf and she vaguely reminded him of Lord Elrond, although infinitely more attractive.  
  
He dropped silently out of his tree as she approached and readied his bow, expecting to startle her.  
  
She didn't even blink. She pulled her horse up and vaulted neatly off it, walking up to him leading it so that his arrow ended up pointing at her neck.  
  
"If you intend to surprise visitors, I suggest you learn to be silent," she said. "I heard you a mile away."  
  
Haldir's judgement of her attractiveness was sharply revised downwards. He narrowed his eyes at her. "What is your name and purpose here?"  
  
"I'll tell you mine when you tell me yours," she shot back.  
  
"I am the one with an arrow pointed at you."  
  
"I have observed it, but you have not answered my question."  
  
Behind him, Haldir heard someone drop down. A moment later, Rumil clapped a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"His name's Haldir," Rumil told her. "I'm Rumil, his brother. Don't mind him, he just got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Just like he does every morning, in fact."  
  
Haldir lowered his bow slightly to give Rumil a dirty look.  
  
"There now," the maiden taunted. "That wasn't so very hard, was it?"  
  
Haldir made a sound in his throat that sounded suspiciously like a growl. "And your name is?" he repeated.  
  
She finally smiled. "My name is Tulienne," she said. "And as for my business . . . that remains to be seen. My parents have gone to Valinor and at their request I have left Rivendell and come to Lothlorien to join my uncle's family. And I must say, if all the elves in Lorien are as handsome as you, I think it will prove a good move."  
  
Haldir didn't answer. Rumil leaned forward over his shoulder, his eyes sparkling in amusement. "I think you may have put my brother at a loss for words," he said. "A rare event indeed!"  
  
"She has done nothing of the kind," Haldir said stiffly. "You will be escorted to Caras Galadhon, but it is late so we will begin at first light. Rumil will see to it that you are given food and a place to rest."  
  
"Can't handle me yourself?"  
  
"I could," he said. "But I believe I will pass that dubious privilege onto someone else. March Warden's prerogative."  
  
As he'd headed back to his flet, he'd heard her say, "Shame."  
  
***  
  
Present day:  
  
Haldir wondered what had made him remember that. Probably it was Rumil's impending wedding that had brought it back to him. If Tulienne had not come to Lorien and befriended him, Rumil might never have spoken to her shy cousin. And then he would not have had to spend six months as chaperone. She was certainly a mixed blessing.  
  
In his heart of hearts though, he was glad for Rumil. Ceilwyn might be a little timid for his taste, but she seemed to be able to make his brother happy. He also knew that, although Rumil had sworn that maidens were a terrible nuisance for most of his formative years, his brother had begun to talk several years earlier about taking a wife. And soon he would have one.  
  
Turning his mind back to his archery practice, Haldir let another arrow fly out to the furthest target. It landed dead centre.  
  
"Impressive."  
  
His eyes narrowed slightly in reflex when he recognised Tulienne's voice. She grinned, brandishing her own bow. "But," she said. "I think on closer inspection you will find that it leans slightly to the left. Perhaps I should show you how it is done?"  
  
His eyes narrowed further. "I do not need your help."  
  
"Fine. Then how about I challenge you?"  
  
"Ridiculous."  
  
"What's the matter? Afraid you might lose?"  
  
"Shoot your arrows."  
  
Tulienne smiled triumphantly. "I thought you'd see it my way."  
  
A few of the other elves at the range watched them in badly-hidden amusement. Precious few ever challenged the March Warden.  
  
After the first few shots, Haldir had to admit that she was good. He had heard she had ability, but had never shot side by side with her like this before. So far, they were even.  
  
"You do not usually come down to the practice grounds at this time," he observed as they walked down together to get their arrows.  
  
Tulienne pulled a face. "I snapped," she said. "Three hours of listening to discussions about the perfect flowers for the wedding almost did me in. 'Pink roses would be nice, but then the orange lilies will have to be moved, or we could have tulips but . . . ' - it's enough to make anyone crazy."  
  
"Rumil will speak of nothing else either. Even Orophin seems obsessed."  
  
"I'm afraid he has every intention of asking for Salia's hand and putting us through another six months of chaperone duty."  
  
Haldir's shoulders slumped as he pulled his arrows out of the target. "I had hoped I was imagining it."  
  
Tulienne pulled hers out neatly. "I'm afraid not. We're doomed. Unless we can convince my uncle to let them bring their wedding forward. Which is unlikely, to say the least. It would probably make him assume they had . . . well, a pressing ulterior motive for bringing it forward. And then he'd cut Orophin's head off. Can't you just see him chasing him around Lorien, brandishing his sword?"  
  
Haldir, getting an unexpected flash of the same image, found himself laughing. "Promoting me from chaperone to bodyguard."  
  
"And leaving me to mop up Salia's tears. Lady knows why they want to put themselves through this. Sometimes I think we're the only two in Lothlorien who can keep our heads."  
  
Haldir looked at her in surprise. It was the closest she'd ever come to paying him a compliment. Tulienne was focusing on her shot and didn't notice.  
  
They shot the next two rounds of arrows in silence, their shots still rivalling each other. Finally Tulienne turned to him. "Next shot takes it," she said.  
  
They took their shots and walked down together. Haldir's arrow had split Tulienne's arrow in two perfect halves. Haldir turned to her. "I win," he said, feeling ridiculously pleased.  
  
"Only just," Tulienne retorted. "But nevertheless, well done. I admit it, you're a fine archer."  
  
Haldir grinned in triumph and pulled the arrows out of the target.  
  
"Shame about the rest of your personality," Tulienne called over her shoulder as she walked away from the range.  
  
Haldir found himself watching her walk away, before realising that several of his newer wardens were watching this with great interest. Then he got very interested in the arrows he was holding until he could escape from the range.  
  
***  
  
"What's this I hear about you and Tulienne having an archery contest?" Rumil asked as he walked through the door of Haldir's talan.  
  
Haldir looked up from the table, exasperated. "How is it that at four thousand years of age you have still not learned to knock?"  
  
"Stop avoiding the question."  
  
Haldir sighed. "I was not avoiding the question. We had a short impromptu competition this morning. Nothing to warrant bursting into my home without warning."  
  
Rumil said down opposite him. "You mean to say that the two of you spent time together, alone, voluntarily?"  
  
"We were hardly alone, there were plenty of people there," Haldir said mildly.  
  
"My point is that you were together when you didn't have to be."  
  
"I do not have to talk to you just now, but I have not thrown you out."  
  
"You can't throw me out, I've come to get you. It's the bridal dinner tonight, remember?"  
  
Actually, he hadn't.  
  
"Haldir," Rumil said pleadingly. "You have to come. It's only one dinner."  
  
"You can't eat without supervision now?"  
  
"Tradition, Brother. The family getting together to celebrate the union."  
  
Haldir looked at him darkly. "These events are not encouraging me to celebrate anything. I would enjoy your wedding far more if it required less of my time."  
  
"Well you have to come, so throw on something decent and hurry up about it."  
  
Haldir got up from the table with very bad grace, but did as he was asked.  
  
***  
  
An hour later, Haldir thought his head would explode. One more second of casual chit-chat about anything even vaguely related to weddings and he would spontaneously combust. At the first available opportunity, he managed to escape through the doors onto the balcony.  
  
"I admire your endurance," Tulienne said wryly. "I've been here twenty minutes already."  
  
Haldir leaned against the edge of the balcony. "Do they ever stop?"  
  
Tulienne shook her head. "No, they really don't. All day long we discuss wedding details with my uncle and he asks subtle questions to try and make Ceilwyn say that Rumil has made improper advances to her so that he has an excuse to kill him and call it off. Then we're finally alone and Salia makes some bawdy comment about the 'benefits' of marriage and before you know it Wyn is a frenzy of nerves about their wedding night. I dread to think what's she going to be like on the day. We may have to frog march her down the aisle."  
  
Haldir shook his head. "Mad," he said.  
  
"Completely insane. I hope your brother realises what he's getting himself into."  
  
"I have been wondering the same thing."  
  
Tulienne gave him a quizzical look. "Haldir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"When did this start?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Us agreeing with each other."  
  
Haldir frowned. "I'm not sure. It's worrying."  
  
"Extremely."  
  
The balcony doors were opened and they both turned round sharply. Tulienne's uncle glared at Haldir. "You are missed," he told them.  
  
Tulienne suppressed a sigh and went back into the room. Haldir went to follow, but found the door shut and her uncle glaring at him, arms folded.  
  
"What exactly are your intentions towards my neice?"  
  
In the name of the Valar!  
  
"I assure you," Haldir said, trying not to laugh. "I have no intentions towards your neice other than to learn to tolerate her company as we will soon be family. I merely came out here to get a breath of air, I did not realise she was here."  
  
He was allowed to return, but he wasn't sure that he was believed.  
  
Still, one more week and the madness would be over. Until Orophin made his own request.  
  
It was going to be a long year.  
  
***  
  
Haldir was wakened from a very pleasant dream by someone knocking on his door. He groaned and pulled himself out of bed.  
  
On the other side of it stood Rumil and Orophin. "He's having a crisis," Orophin explained.  
  
Haldir sighed. "I'll get dressed."  
  
A short time later the three of them were walking through the gardens in an attempt to calm Rumil.  
  
"I'm not nervous," Rumil said for the tenth time and even less sincerely than the other nine. "I'm just a little . . . apprehensive. I mean, I never . . . got married before. I don't know how to . . . get married."  
  
Haldir and Orophin exchanged glances over Rumil's head. "Brother . . ." Orophin said, looking rather self-conscious himself. "I don't think you'll find us much help. Neither of us has ever . . . got married before either."  
  
"Not another one panicking about the wedding night."  
  
Three heads snapped up in the direction of the voice. Tulienne jumped lightly down from her tree branch.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Haldir demanded. "You should not be spying on us."  
  
"I was not spying, I was enjoying a brief taste of freedom," Tulienne retorted.  
  
"You mean your uncle hasn't put locks on your doors?" Rumil joked weakly.  
  
Tulienne grinned. "Rivendell maidens learn to pick locks," she said. "And I was taught well."  
  
"Well, since you're here . . . could you give me some advice?" Rumil asked shyly.  
  
Tulienne raised an eyebrow, but did not seem the slightest bit embarrassed. "Just what are you implying, Cousin?"  
  
Rumil realised what he'd said and flushed bright red. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything."  
  
"Glad to hear it," Tulienne said cheerily. "But as for advice . . . Well, show up, stay sober and try to get her to relax. The last could be a challenge. But don't worry, Salia and I have got hold of some tranquilliser herbs and we're going to put them into her breakfast tea. She'll be like putty in your hands. Literally if we use enough."  
  
Rumil looked alarmed. "Is that safe?"  
  
"Oh yes, and far better than the alternative."  
  
"What's the alternative?"  
  
Tulienne patted him on the shoulder. "Pray you don't find out."  
  
Rumil didn't seem to have found her words comforting. She smiled at him. "Don't worry so much," she said kindly. "The most fearless turn into gibbering wrecks before their weddings. And just think, when Orophin here ties the knot this will all be behind you and you'll get to laugh at him."  
  
Rumil smiled back. "While you put the herbs into Salia's tea."  
  
Orophin blushed, Tulienne laughed. "Well Salia may be able to get by without them, but I'll wait and see. One bride at a time."  
  
She turned to Haldir. "You are very quiet, March Warden. Tell me, have you anyone in mind whose tea you want herbs put into?"  
  
Haldir frowned as Orophin and Rumil turned to him. "I have no intention of becoming a 'gibbering wreck'," he said. "I will leave that to my brothers. Shouldn't you be returning before your uncle finds you here?"  
  
"Subtlety really isn't one of your talents, is it Haldir? But you're right, I should get back. Or tomorrow I'll have bars on my window." Tulienne grinned. "And it would be a shame to have wasted my last night of freedom trading insults with you. Goodnight all."  
  
Haldir grunted as she walked away. "I don't know why you would take advice from her," he said, as he led the way back to their talans.  
  
Behind his back, Orophin and Rumil exchanged winks.  
  
***  
  
He knew her, but he couldn't think of her name. Her dark hair fell onto his chest as she leaned over him. He raised himself up just enough to kiss her, feel her soft lips caress his . . .  
  
The lovely maiden dealt him a sharp slap and Haldir woke up.  
  
"I'm choosing to believe you were still dreaming," Tulienne said, as she yanked him into a sitting position.  
  
Haldir shook his fuzzy head. "What exactly are you doing in my bedchamber?" he said.  
  
Tulienne sat down on his bed. "We have a crisis. My uncle has called off the wedding." 


	3. Honourable Discharge

Thanks all for the lovely reviews. Hoping to break my review record. That's only 10, so I think I'm in with a shot. :-/ Oh to be one of the great ones!  
  
Just got extended DVD for Fellowship. Overdosing on Lothlorien scenes. Still not enough though.  
  
I'll be quiet now. Enjoy.  
  
'Part 3'  
  
That woke Haldir up. "Why?" he asked.  
  
Tulienne shook her head in exasperation. "He claims he's heard that Rumil has been seen out with another girl, getting hot and heavy in the gardens."  
  
"Why didn't you tell him it was not true?" Haldir demanded, grabbing the tunic he had discarded the night before and pulling it over his head.  
  
Tulienne stared at him in disbelief. "I did. Several times. But all I could say was that I didn't believe it, it's not like I can prove it. And you know he's been desperate to find fault with Rumil ever since he met him."  
  
"How is Ceilwyn?"  
  
"Bad. Crying herself sick as we speak. I shouldn't even be here."  
  
"Indeed you shouldn't. Your uncle would not take kindly to it."  
  
Tulienne raised an eyebrow. "Would I be right in thinking that he questioned your motives when he kept you on the balcony last night?"  
  
Haldir grimaced. "I'm afraid so."  
  
"Thus proving how unhinged he is. But you're right, I wouldn't like to see his face if he found us like this. Just go to Rumil - I didn't want him to face my uncle without being forewarned."  
  
"Thank you," Haldir said. It felt strange saying that to her.  
  
Tulienne smiled. "You're welcome," she said. She paused at the door and turned back. "For future reference, Haldir," she said. "You snore like a dwarf."  
  
Haldir scowled at the door for quite some time.  
  
***  
  
"We will find a way to make him change his mind," Tulienne announced firmly, from her spot on the grass.  
  
"How?" Rumil asked despondently.  
  
"I don't know," Tulienne said. "I haven't worked that part out yet."  
  
"You're a tremendous help," Haldir remarked sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up, March Warden, at least I'm trying."  
  
"How does it help for you to raise his hopes when you have no plan?"  
  
"How does it help for you to encourage him to forget about my cousin four days before he was due to marry her?"  
  
"That is the sensible course of action."  
  
"They're in love! Sense doesn't come into it!"  
  
"Stop," Orophin finally commanded. "Neither of you are helping."  
  
Haldir grunted. "Why does your uncle allow you to stay here with us when he disapproves so firmly of Rumil?"  
  
"One, because he doesn't know. He thinks I'm doing laundry - and if you tell him otherwise I'll tell him you propositioned me and he'll string you up by an extremely delicate appendage. Two, he doesn't picture me as a child since he never met me as one. Three, I'm the only one past my majority. Which is a shame, since if Ceilwyn was she could marry without his consent. Although she most likely wouldn't." Tulienne stopped for a breath and glared fiercely at him. "And stop trying to get rid of me. Unlike his eldest brother, I know Rumil is kind and honourable and I want to help."  
  
"You are not succeeding."  
  
Tulienne's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm so sorry if I can't instantly think of a plan. Forgive me for believing that we were finally safe. I suppose you think it would have been better if I had never introduced them and this had never begun?"  
  
"Since you mention it."  
  
"So this entire thing is my fault?"  
  
"It could be argued so."  
  
Tulienne's fist connected surprisingly hard with his jaw. Haldir very nearly retaliated on reflex, but stopped himself.  
  
"Consider that further retribution for kissing me."  
  
"Kissing you?" Rumil and Orophin repeated in unison, and turned as one to Haldir. The tip of his ears went ever so slightly pink. "It was not intentional."  
  
"Nor enjoyable. Clearly you need to practise your technique."  
  
"I suppose you will volunteer."  
  
"Hardly."  
  
"Then why bring it up?"  
  
"Sir!"  
  
Tulienne's reply was lost as the young warden spoke, heading for Haldir. Haldir's fists unclenched and his expression melted into its usual calm one as he prepared to hear the message.  
  
"Yes, warden?"  
  
"Sir, I was instructed to inform you that we have visitors from Rivendell."  
  
Haldir noticed Tulienne lean forward, their argument apparently forgotten. "Visitors? Who?" she asked.  
  
The warden bowed slightly to her in respect. "Lord Elladan and Lady Arwen, of the house of Elrond."  
  
Tulienne jumped to her feet, an expression of pure delight on her face. "They've come!" she said excitedly, sounding most unlike herself.  
  
Haldir turned to her sharply. "You knew of their coming when I did not? Why?"  
  
"Because I invited them, March Warden," was the reply. "To the wedding that still will be. I didn't think they would be able to come, but clearly they have."  
  
She turned to the warden. "Can you take us to them?" she asked.  
  
"Please do," Haldir said, not liking that he was merely seconding her. He got to his feet and followed. Rumil and Orophin exchanged glances and went too.  
  
They arrived in time to see the visitors walking across the grass into the city. Their horses and belongings had clearly already been taken. Haldir had been to Rivendell several times and had met both Elladan and the Evenstar before. In fact he and Elladan had got on quite well, although he had found more in common with the more serious Elrohir. He started to move forward to greet them.  
  
Before he could, however, Arwen turned in their direction and saw their impending arrival. Their poised entrance was instantly forgotten as their expressions melted into ones of delight.  
  
A blur went past Haldir and the next thing he knew, Elladan had Tulienne in his arms and was swinging her round. Haldir felt a stab of irrational dislike for the Rivendell lord. He could not imagine what had caused it.  
  
Elladan released Tulienne, rather reluctantly it seemed to Haldir, and she and Arwen embraced. Clearly there were strong bonds between them and yet Tulienne had never once mentioned the relationship in her time in Lorien. Or perhaps she had just not mentioned it to him.  
  
The three came towards them. Elladan had his hand on Tulienne's shoulder. Haldir found himself trying to remove it by telekinesis.  
  
"Haldir, we meet again," Elladan said warmly as they reached them.  
  
Haldir nodded, not able to match his friendly attitude. "Lord Elladan, Lady Arwen, welcome to Lorien. I am sorry I was not at the borders to greet you on this occasion."  
  
"Tuli said in her letter you would all be here preparing for the wedding," Arwen said.  
  
"Just four days and you will be back on your precious borders, Haldir," Elladan added, still grinning. "You should be enjoying yourself."  
  
Haldir stiffened further. "That may be difficult. At present the wedding is not to take place."  
  
Concern flickered in Arwen's eyes. "Why is that?"  
  
Tulienne rolled her eyes at her and Elladan, acting more like her usual self. "Because my uncle has finally succumbed to insanity. He believes - or at least claims to believe - that Rumil was seen in a compromising situation with another maiden and has cancelled the wedding."  
  
"Ah," Elladan said, glancing at Rumil. "Is it true?"  
  
"No," Rumil, Orophin and Haldir all said in unison. Haldir fists clenched involuntarily at his sides.  
  
Elladan held up his hands. "Just checking. What are you going to do?"  
  
"Thus far," Haldir grudgingly admitted, "we have no specific plan."  
  
"Actually," Tulienne said thoughtfully. "I do have one thought. And with Elladan to help it might be worth a shot."  
  
Elladan's eyes gleamed. "I'm at your service, my lady," he said, bowing to her. "But for now we must greet our grandparents. I will find you later and you can fill me in on your diabolical plan."  
  
"You assume my plan to be diabolical?" Tulienne said archly.  
  
"Only because I know you," was the reply. Elladan bent his head and kissed Tulienne's hand. "My lady, Haldir, Rumil, Orophin farewell."  
  
Haldir did not realise he was scowling at Elladan's retreating back until Orophin asked him why he was doing it. Then he realised he didn't know.  
  
"I was not scowling," Haldir said, quite untruthfully. "Your eyes are playing tricks on you."  
  
It was perhaps fortunate that neither Haldir nor Tulienne saw the raised eyebrows on their companions' faces.  
  
Haldir turned to Tulienne. "You never mentioned you were a friend of Elladan's."  
  
"You never asked."  
  
"I never had reason to before."  
  
"You have no reason to now."  
  
"It is not an unreasonable question."  
  
"I noticed no question, merely an accusation."  
  
"What is your relationship with him?"  
  
Tulienne regarded him strangely. "March Warden, you sound suspiciously like a jealous lover and I'm sure neither of us wants that. If you had asked in a normal tone, I would simply have told you that I am generally considered a friend of theirs. I am much the same age as Arwen and as my parents were on good terms with Lord Elrond and Lady Celebrian at the time they thought we might become friends. As it is, since I became old enough to participate in his general mischief I have been closest to Elladan. I have made no secret of any of this, it has merely not come up in our acquaintance."  
  
Haldir saw Rumil and Orophin nudge each other out of the corner of his eye and wondered what had happened to himself. Despite a strong desire to demand more details, he shut his lips up tight and resolved not to speak of it again.  
  
***  
  
"So," Elladan said, when they had managed to get together again. "This meeting of the Save the Wedding Club will come to order. Are all members present?"  
  
Elladan (presumably with the consent of the Lord and Lady of Lorien although no one dared to ask) had procured the key to the private gardens. The lawn was now crowded. Elladan, Arwen and Tulienne were sitting together, Orophin and Salia were beside them. Ceilwyn was being held in Rumil's arms, in her greatest act of disobedience to date. Haldir was sitting on their other side, trying not to scowl at Elladan.  
  
"All present and correct," Tulienne replied, completely unnecessarily in Haldir's opinion.  
  
"Excellent," Elladan said, rubbing his hands together. "Now then, what is your diabolical plan?"  
  
Tulienne smiled. "Well, after extensive thought, I've come up with two things I think could possibly make my uncle change his mind. The first is obvious - a little elfling on the way."  
  
Everyone turned to grin at Rumil and Ceilwyn, who both flushed bright red and loosened their grip on each other somewhat. Elladan laughed.  
  
"But that would also damn the whole of the family forever in his eyes," Tulienne added, "so wedding number two would probably require the same tactic."  
  
Eyes shifted again and the next couple blushed.  
  
"So we come to option two," Tulienne said. "For which, for the reason mentioned above, I propose we recruit Elladan to help."  
  
"What exactly did you have in mind?" Rumil asked, with a suspicious look not entirely unlike the one on Haldir's face.  
  
"I'm suggesting that Elladan try to seduce Ceilwyn."  
  
"Absolutely not," Rumil said immediately. Ceilwyn's eyes widened in shock.  
  
"Wait," Tulienne said. "Hear me out. What I'm proposing is that we engineer it so that my uncle sees Rumil save Ceilwyn from Elladan's unwanted advances, thereby defending her honour and all that stuff. That's the only thing he really values so it's the only thing that will make him change his mind about Rumil. But if anyone has a better suggestion, I'm all ears."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Wyn?" Tulienne said, turning to her. "Are you willing to do this? I know it's not ideal, but I think it could work. And you can trust Elli, believe me. He's all talk."  
  
Haldir barely suppressed a laugh at Elladan's face. Tulienne turned back to him. "And I mean that in the least offensive way possible."  
  
"Thank you," Elladan said dryly. "That makes me feel so much better."  
  
"I'll do it."  
  
Everyone looked in surprise at Ceilwyn. She turned to Rumil. "That is, if you don't mind," she said.  
  
Rumil obviously did mind. He turned to Elladan. "This seduction," he said, "had better not involve any more than the absolute minimum of physical contact."  
  
Elladan held up his hands. "You have my word. No offence to the lovely bride to be, but my heart is taken."  
  
Arwen turned to him in surprise. "Since when? You haven't said anything to me about it."  
  
"I do not tell you everything, Sister," was Elladan's uninformative reply.  
  
Haldir couldn't help noticing his steady and deliberate look at Tulienne when he said it.  
  
***  
  
Tulienne came running up to them, breathless. "He's on his way," she told Rumil. "Count to ten and go in."  
  
They could just see Elladan and Ceilwyn in the shadows from their position. They were still talking, although Haldir personally thought Elladan was standing closer than strictly necessary. Tulienne made a soft bird call noise and got an answering one back. Haldir idly wondered where she had learnt that.  
  
"One," Rumil said, watching them with narrowed eyes. "Two. Three."  
  
Elladan had one arm around Ceilwyn's waist and the other was stroking her cheek.  
  
"Four." Rumil's voice got more and more strained. "Five. Six. Seven."  
  
Elladan pulled Ceilwyn into a kiss. Rumil leapt up. "Ten," he said, and took off at a run.  
  
The timing was perfect. Ceilwyn's father came into the garden just in time to see Rumil yank Elladan off her and nearly break his jaw with an over- enthusiastic punch. He pushed Ceilwyn gently behind him before starting on Tulienne's carefully prepared speech about Elladan's disgraceful disregard for Ceilwyn's honour. Except he did it rather too convincingly. And added a view remarks about Elladan's elfhood that definitely hadn't been in the script.  
  
Ceilwyn's father arrived on the scene at a fast pace, Salia half-running to stay by his side. "What is going on here?" he demanded. "How dare you attempt such a thing with my daughter!"  
  
Elladan was rubbing his jaw and trying to work out whether to look repentant or angry.  
  
Ceilwyn's father turned to her. She had her arms around Rumil and he was stroking her hair.  
  
He turned back to Elladan. "You will stay away from my family. I will not tolerate such behaviour, whatever your origins. Ceilwyn, Salia, come with me."  
  
Ceilwyn moved away from Rumil very reluctantly. Her father paused and slowly turned back.  
  
"I will expect you at my talan tomorrow after breakfast," he said to Rumil. "And we will discuss this further."  
  
Rumil nodded, trying not to smile. "Yes, sir."  
  
***  
  
"Did you have to paw her like that?" Rumil demanded, as soon as they had put enough distance between them and Ceilwyn's father.  
  
"I did not paw her," Elladan said, still rubbing his jaw. "I couldn't very well make it look like I was trying to seduce her without stealing a kiss. I warned her I was going to do it, I didn't harm her, there was no reason for you to rearrange my face."  
  
"Touch her again and I will."  
  
"I have no intention of doing that again. In case you've forgotten, I was trying to help you!"  
  
"Boys," Tulienne said impatiently. "You're both forgetting the point and that is that I think it worked. Therefore Elladan did you a great favour, Rumil, and you should apologise."  
  
"Sorry," Rumil said grudgingly.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Elladan said, fairly sincerely. "I'll heal."  
  
"And all we need to do now is wait and see what he says tomorrow," Tulienne said. "Which hopefully will be 'welcome to the family'. So go to bed. One, because you don't want to be late tomorrow and two, because if it didn't work we'll have to move onto the aforementioned plan B and you'll need your rest."  
  
As they started to head back to their talans, Haldir saw Elladan put a hand on Tulienne's arm.  
  
"Mind if we take a walk?" he said.  
  
Tulienne shrugged. "Sure," she said. "I think I've got an hour to kill before my uncle remembers I'm not there."  
  
Haldir found himself lagging behind his brothers and briefly wondered why they didn't seem to notice. He fought with himself for quite a way. Then he did something even he had no explanation for.  
  
He doubled back. And followed.  
  
***  
  
Elladan settled down onto a bench and patted the seat beside him. Tulienne sat down, looking curious.  
  
"Don't try to be mysterious, Elli, it doesn't suit you," she said.  
  
Elladan laughed. "I wasn't trying to be mysterious, I was just trying to get you alone. Everytime I tried to speak to you today Haldir seemed to pop up. Is there something you haven't told me?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About you and Haldir."  
  
Tulienne laughed. "Other than the fact that we can't stand each other? Nothing. We're temporarily on the same side, that's all. He does seem to have taken a dislike to you, though. I can't imagine why."  
  
"He doesn't like competition."  
  
"Competition for what?"  
  
Elladan smiled. "For you, Tulienne."  
  
Tulienne stared at him. "You think that Haldir . . . ?" She shook her head, then turned back to him. "Wait. Competition? Are you saying what I think you're saying?"  
  
Elladan took her hand, suddenly very serious. "What I'm saying is that I want you to come back to Rivendell with me . . . as my wife."  
  
Haldir froze in his hiding place, ears straining to hear her answer. He heard nothing. Finally, he dared to take a look.  
  
Elladan was kissing her. And she wasn't pushing him away.  
  
Silently, Haldir left them and headed back to his talan, feeling terribly hurt for no logical reason.  
  
***  
  
About half a second later, Tulienne shoved Elladan away with such force that he fell off the bench.  
  
"What in middle earth is going on?" she asked, stunned. "Is marriage catching? The last time I saw you in Rivendell you were pulling my hair and dumping me into rivers fully clothed. What happened?"  
  
"I've had two years to think about it," Elladan said from the ground. "And I've realised what you mean to me. I don't want you in Lorien, I want you in Rivendell with me."  
  
"Yes, but marriage? Until a minute ago, I didn't know you didn't think of me as another sister! I love you dearly, Elladan, I always have, but I don't know if I love you like a wife should."  
  
"Well I'm not planning on running off," Elladan replied, picking himself up again and sitting back down beside her. "Think about it. I'm prepared to wait."  
  
Tulienne stood. "I'm going to go to bed," she said, running a hand through her hair. "I'll give it my utmost consideration."  
  
"Do you want me to walk you home?"  
  
"No," Tulienne said quickly. "I'd rather be by myself. Besides, you're not popular at my uncle's house just now, remember?"  
  
"True."  
  
"Goodnight, Elladan."  
  
"Goodnight Tulienne."  
  
Tulienne hurried off, out of the garden. Once past the gate and out of sight, she veered off. In the opposite direction to home.  
  
***  
  
Haldir had never felt so utterly depressed. And there was no reason for it at all. What could be better than having Tulienne out of his hair for good? He had asked Valar for that plenty of times.  
  
Perhaps his brothers were right and he had started to enjoy their sparring. He'd never thought he would see the day when he enjoyed being insulted by someone.  
  
He pulled his tunic over his head and added it to his laundry pile, preparing to go to bed and hopefully forget all the events of the day.  
  
There was a knock on his door. He sighed. No doubt Rumil was having another crisis.  
  
Instead he found himself facing Tulienne, looking thoroughly confused.  
  
"Can I come in for a minute?" she said.  
  
Haldir stood back and let her enter, wondering what could possibly have brought her here. He got his answer soon enough when she turned to him.  
  
"Haldir, believe or not, I need your help with something," she said. "An experiment, you might say."  
  
"What does this experiment involve?" he asked curiously.  
  
"Not much. Just close your eyes."  
  
Now almost as confused as she looked, he did.  
  
The next thing he knew, she was kissing him. And it didn't seem as though this kiss would end in a slap.  
  
Haldir found himself pressing closer, his fingers tangling in her hair, his mouth opening to hers, and felt her respond in kind. 


	4. Haldir & Tulienne Do The Balcony Scene

And here we go with part 4, which I have been writing on my lunch breaks all week. A bit shorter than part 3 and in fact it's all one scene, but it seemed like a nice place to end it. ;-)  
  
I've got 18 reviews and now I'm happy, yay! Thanks to everyone who found a minute to let me know they read the story. But I want more, more, MORE!  
  
V.annoyed this week, due to the fact that my absolute favourite story Elanor's Revenge by juliediane has been kicked off ff.net due to rating violations. Now I'll have to check everyday to see if it has been updated elsewhere. Grrrrrrrrr  
  
And aussie881, I must confess that I am evil, but I certainly don't want you to kill yourself on my account. ;-)  
  
And now, ladies and elves, on with the show . . .  
  
'Part 4'  
  
And then she pulled away from him again.  
  
"Thanks," Tulienne said, looking no less dazed than she had before. "That helps a lot. Bye now."  
  
It took quite some time before Haldir's brain registered a) that she had kissed him b) that she had done this without giving him any explanation whatsoever and c) that she had walked out on him as if she did this every time she saw him.  
  
Once his brain had managed to grasp all this, even the remnants of his common sense went flying out the window and he went after her.  
  
The only problem was that Tulienne's room in her uncle's talan was somewhat hard to access - no doubt on purpose - if one did not enter through the front door. And Haldir had a shrewd suspicion that demanding her uncle for entrance to her bedchamber at quite a late hour, on the grounds that she had kissed him and he wanted to find out what happened next, might not be the wisest course of action.  
  
So it came to pass that Haldir was forced to climb until he managed to pull himself onto her balcony. Then he paused long enough to realise exactly how insane he was being and looked over the edge to see if there was a better way down. There wasn't. Sighing, he put one leg up on the side and prepared to climb.  
  
The balcony doors opened and Haldir froze.  
  
"Haldir," Tulienne said, in a tone that went past disbelief and into a whole new unexplored dimension of that emotion. "What in the Golden Wood are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing," Haldir said weakly.  
  
Tulienne's arms folded, prompting a flashback to the days when he had not been quite so level headed. His mother had used to get exactly that look on her face . . .  
  
"Nothing," Tulienne repeated. "Goodness, don't I feel silly for imagining that your presence on my balcony - apparently about to terminate your immortal life - is something other than nothing."  
  
Haldir lowered his foot and turned to face her fully, suddenly feeling about a hundred again and very, very silly. He found himself praying to the Valar that his brothers would never find out about this. He had a feeling he was asking a little much.  
  
"Alright," Tulienne said finally. "We'll try an easier way, bit by bit. Question one, what possessed you to climb up to my balcony?"  
  
For several seconds, Haldir desperately searched for something - anything - that could pass for a rational explanation. Unsurprisingly, he failed.  
  
"I'm not quite sure," he said finally.  
  
"You're not quite sure?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then clearly you have gone quite mad."  
  
"Yes. No. Possibly," Haldir answered, now thoroughly flustered.  
  
Tulienne shut the balcony doors and came over to him, now looking suspicious. "Haldir, have you been drinking?" she asked, peering at his eyes. Then she put a hand to his forehead. "Or are you ill, perhaps?"  
  
"It was that kiss," Haldir blurted out, as his brain and vocal cords abruptly parted company.  
  
"The kiss made you ill?"  
  
"Yes. No! It was just . . . you didn't give me any reason for it."  
  
"You didn't give me any reason when you kissed me," Tulienne replied, moving away from him again and turning her back to him.  
  
"I was asleep!"  
  
"Even so."  
  
Very cautiously, as one approaches a heavily armed orc with PMT, Haldir moved up behind Tulienne.  
  
"Do you intend to marry Elladan?" he asked.  
  
Tulienne's shoulders rose. "So it was you who followed us. I knew I heard someone."  
  
"You have not answered my question."  
  
A pause. "No, Haldir, I'm not."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Tulienne gave a hoarse laugh. "Because I don't love him, why else? I like him tremendously . . . but I feel nothing for him. I might as well have been kissing my bedpost."  
  
She turned back to face him. "That was what the experiment was for, if you must know. I wanted to check that it was him . . .us . . . and not just me."  
  
"Then . . . when I kissed you that morning," Haldir said slowly. "Was that . . . your first kiss?"  
  
Tulienne avoided his gaze. "Only in the strictest, most technical sense."  
  
Haldir began to feel a little better about the whole situation. "Does that roughly translate to a yes?"  
  
"If it must, but get that smug grin off your face, March Warden. Gnawing my lip while dreaming about some blond beauty does not constitute something to brag about."  
  
She wasn't blond, Haldir thought to himself, and opened his mouth to say so.  
  
"I suppose you've kissed every maiden in Lorien."  
  
"What?" Haldir said, forgetting what he had been going to say. "No, not all."  
  
Then he cringed at how that sounded.  
  
"Not lots, I mean," he said hurriedly, wondering why he felt such a pressing need to clarify himself. "Not that many at all really."  
  
"How many?"  
  
He'd bet no other maiden in Lorien would dare ask that question of him. And here he was, struggling over his words, trying to explain himself to the only one who would.  
  
"Well . . . " he began, and stopped. "Well . . ." he tried again. "Well . . ."  
  
A smug smile slowly took over Tulienne's face. "Ah ha. Now I get it. You've never kissed anyone have you?"  
  
"Of course I have. I kissed you," Haldir protested. He could feel his ears start to glow like they'd been dipped in Celeborn's special label wine.  
  
"Apart from me."  
  
Well, there had been that time they'd all got just the tiniest bit drunk on the aforementioned home brew and he'd ended up . . .  
  
Haldir shuddered at the memory. And Rumil wondered why he avoided intoxicants now.  
  
He searched for an appropriate excuse and found none.  
  
"No," he admitted finally. "Just you."  
  
Tulienne stared at him for a few seconds, the moved marginally closer.  
  
"So . . ." she said. "Out of casual interest . . . how do you think it went?"  
  
Haldir swallowed. He suddenly remembered why he preferred fighting orcs to chasing maidens. Maidens were scarier.  
  
"Well . . ." he said again. "I thought it went quite well."  
  
"Only quite well?"  
  
Haldir gripped his tunic with his hands to keep from tugging at his collar. Lothlorien seemed to be experiencing a sudden heat wave.  
  
"Well . . . I'm sure it could have been a lot worse," he corrected himself.  
  
Metaphorical storm clouds gathered as Tulienne's sapphire eyes started to glitter dangerously.  
  
"Could have been a lot worse," she repeated, her voice starting to rise. "Do you mean to tell me, March Warden, that I am not a good kisser?"  
  
It was a difficult question, especially since he barely knew what he meant anymore.  
  
"From what I remember, it was . . . nice."  
  
"Nice?" Tulienne said angrily. "It was more than nice. Let me refresh your memory."  
  
Before his confused mind could order his body to react, she had her arms firmly around his neck and had pulled his lips down to hers.  
  
Had he been in a state that allowed rational thought, about half a second later Haldir would have agreed that it was indeed more than nice.  
  
Not long before oxygen deprivation would have forced the kiss to end, it was broken when the balcony doors were thrown open so hard they nearly shattered. They both pulled back hurriedly.  
  
Needless to say, it was Tulienne's uncle. Even more needless to say, he did not look best pleased. In fact he looked not best pleased enough to throw Haldir off the balcony.  
  
"What in the name of the Valar are you doing in my niece's bedchamber?" he roared.  
  
Haldir opened his mouth to point out that he was not actually in her bedchamber. Then he saw the veins throbbing in the man's neck and thought better of it.  
  
"Uncle Thronin, try not to get so worked up, this is not good for you," Tulienne said soothingly. "There's really nothing to get upset about."  
  
"Nothing to get upset about," Thronin repeated, his voice rising to a screech. "Nothing to get upset about! I come here to investigate raised voices and find you - whom I once believed to be honourable - attempting to sully my innocent niece's name!"  
  
Haldir opened his mouth again, this time to protest that he was doing nothing of the kind, but didn't get the chance.  
  
"You will come with me to Lord Celeborn," Thronin said. "And I am sure that he will agree to you being severely punished."  
  
Haldir broke into a cold sweat. Oh no, not Celeborn. Anyone but him . . .  
  
Officially, Celeborn was Haldir's Lord as Galadriel was his Lady and he served them both equally and without question. Unofficially, however, Celeborn was a committed member of the Get Haldir Married Club, which Haldir had been trying to disband ever since he'd discovered it some three millennia ago. They had tried to connect him to virtually every available maiden in Lothlorien. When a delegation had arrived from Mirkwood, they had gone one step further and attempted to bring him and the Princess to a 'mutual understanding' - which had very nearly resulted in a serious diplomatic incident. The Princess of Mirkwood had, to Haldir's very great relief, sailed to Valinor some two thousand years ago and he had believed he was safe. Until now.  
  
The only good thing about being sent to Celeborn was that he would certainly not be punished in the way that Thronin was imagining. He would, however, be punished most enthusiastically tomorrow when his brothers found out about this and started a concentrated effort - with their Lord's full knowledge, approval and aid, although he would no doubt deny it - to make him marry Tulienne.  
  
In the future, Haldir resolved to avoid all maidens. In fact, better if he never left guard duty.  
  
Just as he'd feared, while the look on Celeborn's face was appropriately stern, his eyes were full of barely hidden amusement.  
  
"Haldir," he said, when Thronin had finished his lengthy list of accusations and threats against Haldir's person. "What explanation can you give for your presence on Tulienne's balcony this evening?"  
  
Well, he couldn't tell the truth obviously. If he did, before the sun rose again he would either be dead or married. In his present state of mind he wasn't quite sure which was worse. But what did that leave him with?  
  
"Haldir?" Celeborn prompted.  
  
Haldir found himself looking desperately to Tulienne for help, utterly unable to think of a plan.  
  
"The March Warden and I were just clarifying our situation after a small misunderstanding," Tulienne said, her voice strangely soothing to Haldir's frazzled nerves. "Perhaps we were unwise in our choice of location. I apologise if we acted improperly."  
  
"Is this true, Haldir?" Celeborn asked.  
  
Haldir found himself nodding like his neck muscles had stretched, until Tulienne poked him sharply in the ribs.  
  
"And the kiss?" Celeborn enquired delicately.  
  
"That was to prove a point," Tulienne said firmly.  
  
Celeborn looked hard at both of them. Haldir was certain he didn't believe a word.  
  
"Well, Thronin, I'm afraid I must deny your request," Celeborn said at length. "Even if I did not trust the word of my March Warden - which I do - your niece states clearly that he was there at her invitation and that no impropriety was intended." Celeborn held up a hand as Thronin opened his mouth to protest. "I would not call her good name into question by refusing to believe her word."  
  
Thronin shut his mouth again as Celeborn hit his weak spot.  
  
"And now I suggest we all retire to bed," Celeborn said composedly. "The hour is late and we all need our rest. The wedding is drawing closer."  
  
Haldir didn't miss the look Celeborn gave him when he said that and he groaned inwardly. There was no question about it, the Get Haldir Married Club was up and running once again. Tomorrow, when his brothers knew, he would have no peace.  
  
Unless of course he could convince Tulienne to leave for Valinor . . . 


	5. One Plus One Equals Zero

Now up to 25 reviews! Don't I feel loved. I have to say that people in the LotR section are much better about leaving messages. What I think of as my best work to date only got 2.  
  
Another shortish section, mainly because I'm still debating with myself how I'm going to do this. I could finish it in another part or two, but I'm also debating bringing another favourite elf into the mix . . . Then there's the question of where to leave it. ;-)  
  
Drum roll please! And now, read on.  
  
'Part 5'  
  
Haldir was ready. Poised to defend himself against whatever evil might arrive. Alert, watchful, prepared.  
  
The door flew open and the walls of Haldir's talan shook. He tensed involuntarily.  
  
"So!" Rumil and Orophin said in unison, matching grins on their faces. "You're in love!"  
  
Haldir climbed down off his table - his chosen guard post - and went to his kitchen area for something to do. "Don't be ridiculous."  
  
His brothers walked up behind him, grabbed an arm each and frog marched him back to the sofa. Then they flopped down on either side of him.  
  
"Give it up, Haldir, we know," Orophin said.  
  
"Haldir and Tulienne, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I . . . "  
  
"ENOUGH!" Haldir fairly shouted, leaping up again. "I am not in love or anything of the kind. The wedding has unhinged your brains. I know all about your plan and it will not succeed. Now go and fawn over your maidens and leave me alone!"  
  
Rumil and Orophin exchanged looks as Haldir stormed back to his kitchen. "I think she turned him down," Rumil said, in a stage whisper.  
  
Haldir bristled and only just resisted the urge to inflict serious bodily harm on his siblings.  
  
"I take it that Ceilwyn's father has reconsidered?" he asked Rumil stiffly.  
  
"Indeed," Rumil said, his smile widening. "The wedding is back on. Just a few days and I will have a wife."  
  
"Thanks to Tulienne," Orophin said thoughtfully. "You really should thank her."  
  
"I think I'll leave that to Haldir . . . "  
  
"One more word," Haldir warned, spinning round, "and you will be missing certain vital equipment. Do you understand me?"  
  
Rumil pulled a face. "You're no fun," he said. "You need someone to loosen you up."  
  
"And I know just who," Orophin managed to get out, before Haldir gave a feral growl and started advancing on him with a worryingly sharp kitchen knife in his hand.  
  
***  
  
Elsewhere, Tulienne was being put through much the same torture.  
  
"For the final time," she said in exasperation, "I am not in love with Haldir! I only wanted to speak to him last night because I was confused after Elladan proposed to me and . . . "  
  
"Elladan proposed!" Ceilwyn and Salia squealed in unison.  
  
Tulienne bit her lip. "I suppose I forgot to mention that part."  
  
"You're going to marry him?" Ceilwyn asked, her eyes wide.  
  
Salia laughed. "Oh Adar is going to have a fit," she said. A pause. "Please can I be there when you tell him?"  
  
"I'm not going to marry him," Tulienne said firmly. "I don't love him. Or I do, but not in that way."  
  
"What did he say when you told him?" Ceilwyn asked.  
  
Tulienne frowned. "I should do that, I suppose."  
  
"You didn't tell him?" Salia demanded. "How could you not tell him?"  
  
"I was too stunned after he kissed me."  
  
"He kissed you!"  
  
"Yes, yes, he kissed me," Tulienne said impatiently. "And no, there were no bells, shooting stars or flashes of lightning. It wasn't even that nice, not like when . . . " She broke off.  
  
"When what?" Ceilwyn asked curiously.  
  
Salia bounced on the bed beside her and squealed. "Oh Valar, Haldir kissed you!"  
  
Tulienne started to deny it, then realised it was pointless. "Yes, fine, he kissed me. Or, actually, I kissed him. And yes, it was . . . nice. But it meant nothing."  
  
Two pairs of disbelieving eyes looked back at her.  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
***  
  
After finally getting rid of his brothers, Haldir felt the tension begin to lift from his shoulders. Rumil would be occupied most of the day with wedding preparations and Orophin had gone to help, mainly because Salia had. Which meant he might just get a few uninterrupted hours in which there was no talk of weddings, betrothals or anything else of the kind.  
  
This lasted about five minutes, after which he nearly walked into Elladan, who was pacing up and down under a tree looking pale and uncharacteristically serious.  
  
"Haldir," he said, staring at him with eyes bleary from lack of sleep. "Have you seen Tulienne?"  
  
No, I'm trying to avoid her, Haldir thought.  
  
"Not since we left Lord Celeborn last night," Haldir said.  
  
Elladan looked strangely at him. "What were you and Tulienne doing with Lord Celeborn?"  
  
"Her uncle dragged us there after he found us kissing on her balcony," Haldir said, then wondered what had possessed him to say that when he didn't want anyone to know.  
  
"Kissing?" Elladan repeated, with a look of horrified disbelief.  
  
It was then that Haldir remembered - consciously at least - that Elladan had actually proposed to Tulienne the day before. Somehow it had slipped his mind.  
  
"It was an experiment," he said.  
  
Elladan was now looking less shocked and more angry. "What kind of experiment exactly?" he said. He seemed to be having trouble getting his words out.  
  
She wanted to know whether she didn't like you or whether you're just a bad kisser, a little voice in Haldir's head said.  
  
On balance, he thought it would be best if he didn't repeat that.  
  
"I suggest you ask her," Haldir said finally.  
  
"Ask me what?" Tulienne said, proving that Haldir's plan to avoid her had been marginally less successful than he'd hoped.  
  
Elladan turned to her, looking rather less than happy. "Why you were kissing Haldir on your balcony less than an hour after I proposed to you."  
  
"Oh," Tulienne said, shooting Haldir an evil look. "That."  
  
She gave Haldir a pointed look. He looked back at her. She jerked with her head. His eyebrows drew down in confusion. She sighed.  
  
"March Warden, take a hint for once in your life and leave us alone. I think you've caused enough trouble for one day."  
  
Haldir, not together enough to feel insulted, gave them both quick nods and hurried away.  
  
Oh well, at least he knew she would turn Elladan down. That was one comfort.  
  
But why was it?  
  
***  
  
"So," Elladan said, when Haldir was firmly out of earshot. "I was right. You and Haldir."  
  
Tulienne turned on him. "For the millionth time this morning, there is no 'me and Haldir'. We had a misunderstanding. Made worse by a certain March Warden who can't keep his mouth shut. There is nothing going on between us. Period."  
  
It took a few minutes before Elladan's posture relaxed and his expression changed. "So . . . does that mean. . . ?" he let his voice trail off significantly.  
  
Tulienne sighed. "No, Elladan, it doesn't. You know how much I care about you and that I don't want to hurt you, but I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry to have to say it, but I really would prefer to kiss the March Warden than you and I can't give a firmer rejection than that."  
  
"Oh," Elladan said, looking down at his boots. "Right. I see. Well, if that's how it has to be, I suppose . . . " his voice trailed off.  
  
Tulienne stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm sorry, Elli," she said. "I wish I could. I couldn't do better than you."  
  
Haldir, hidden away again, slowly let out a breath. He couldn't understand why he'd needed to watch. Just to make sure that she hadn't changed her mind.  
  
He just hoped she hadn't known he was there.  
  
***  
  
"March Warden!"  
  
Haldir turned to see Tulienne striding across the grounds, her gown swirling around her legs. It struck him, as it had about once every month since they had met, that she really was quite attractive. Or would have been, if it hadn't been for the expression on her face.  
  
"I don't know what your game is, Haldir," she said as she reached him. "But it ends now. I will not have you spying on me."  
  
"There is no game," Haldir started to protest. "I was just . . ."  
  
He tried to remember what he had just been doing.  
  
"Well . . . " Tulienne prompted impatiently. "I'm waiting for your explanation."  
  
Haldir gave up. "I have none," he said.  
  
She regarded him silently for a few moments. "What in Imladris has happened to us?" she said finally. "A few days ago we were insulting each other, just like we've done the past two years and now we've gone insane. Spying on each other, sniping at each other . . . kissing each other. It's insane. I admit it, I find you attractive and I think it's clear by now that you feel the same. Is that it? Is there more? Do you want more from me, Haldir?"  
  
Haldir opened his mouth to reply.  
  
"Listen to me, now I've gone completely mad," Tulienne said, shaking her head. "Of course you don't."  
  
Haldir shut it again.  
  
"Look, I think we should just avoid each other," Tulienne said, running a hand through her hair. "Stay far, far away from each other until the wedding is past. Then perhaps things can get back to normal."  
  
She held out her hand to him. "Agreed?"  
  
After a brief hesitation, Haldir shook it. "Agreed."  
  
He watched as Tulienne walked off across the lawn, the sunlight making her dark hair shine. She'd given him exactly what he wanted.  
  
He wondered why he suddenly felt incredibly depressed. 


	6. Lingerie, Leggings & Love

Credit for the idea for this chapter goes to Lucien. Also, if I'm being pedantic, Elladan quotes from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'.  
  
Chatnoir1, I have no idea what hannad lle means, but thanks!  
  
Kika1, you see I have no talent for being descriptive and write romantic comedy because that way I can get away with it.  
  
Dragonfly, thanks so much for letting me know about Elanor's Revenge.  
  
And everyone who has reviewed so far, thank you. Couldn't get through the week without you. :-D  
  
'Part 6'  
  
"March Warden!"  
  
Haldir turned back at the sound of Elladan's voice, knowing this couldn't go well. In retrospect, it might have been something of a mistake to admit that he'd kissed Tulienne.  
  
Elladan reached him, an expression on his face that Haldir couldn't read. "Follow me," he said curtly. "We have some unfinished business to attend to."  
  
Haldir followed, resisting the strong temptation to drag his feet. Valar, would this week never end?!  
  
***  
  
Ceilwyn sat on Tulienne's bed, surrounded by open presents, blushing. She opened the last and blushed still more. None of the maidens there had ever seen so many shades of red before.  
  
"Of course," Arwen said, grinning wickedly. "It's a present for Rumil as well."  
  
The company laughed as Ceilwyn hurriedly put the four square inches of satin down, looking like her head was about to burst into flames. As was traditional at bridal parties, every present they had given her had been chosen with the wedding night in mind and their teasing had reached new heights.  
  
"He won't be able to keep his eyes off you," Salia promised.  
  
"Or his hands," Arwen added.  
  
"Or his . . ." Tulienne began, before Arwen threw a pillow at her.  
  
"You've scared her enough, with all your jokes," Arwen chided.  
  
Tulienne threw the pillow back. "Me? I think you're forgetting whose idea this whole thing was."  
  
Arwen shrugged gracefully, feigning innocence. "It is an age old tradition, which I feel I should uphold."  
  
Tulienne and Salia shot her expressions of pure disbelief.  
  
"I am keeping things under control. Imagine what you would be like if . . . what was that?"  
  
Tulienne had already leapt to her feet and was pulling at the balcony doors. She took a look outside, uttered a very unladylike word and shut the doors again.  
  
"Trouble," she said.  
  
"What is it?" Salia asked.  
  
"Elladan and Haldir," Tulienne replied, glancing at Arwen, "regressing to elflings."  
  
Arwen heaved a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose we should stop them," she said. "Otherwise they might kill each other."  
  
"We can only hope," Tulienne replied grimly.  
  
***  
  
"Oommph," Elladan said, as he landed face down on the floor. Haldir had his arm twisted behind his back and one knee on his back with his full weight behind it. Game over. Elladan was strong and fast, but was no match for Haldir's centuries of training.  
  
"Do you yield?" Haldir said sharply, as his jaw started to throb from one of Elladan's punches.  
  
"Mmmmph."  
  
Haldir shifted his weight slightly backwards and pulled up Elladan's head by his long hair. "Do you yield?" he repeated.  
  
Elladan spat grass out. "I yield."  
  
Inwardly, Haldir breathed a sigh of relief. He got to his feet and held out a hand to help Elladan up. He wasn't surprised when it was refused.  
  
"Don't think I don't know you're lying to me, Haldir," Elladan said, wiping blood off his top lip. "I can see it in your eyes. You love her. If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident."  
  
Haldir smirked, too amused to fully register what Elladan had just said. "You would try," he said.  
  
A moment later, someone pinched the top of his ear. Hard.  
  
"What in the name of the Valar are you doing?" Tulienne screeched in his ear. "You are five thousand years old, the March Warden of Lothlorien, and you are behaving like Mandos has just sent you to this world."  
  
Haldir let out a small squeak of pain and embarrassment. He heard a matching one, and noticed out of the corner of his eye that Elladan was getting the same treatment from Arwen.  
  
Before Haldir could react further, he found himself being dragged back into the house. What Elladan's fate was, he couldn't tell.  
  
Tulienne pushed him down onto a chair. At least she let go of his ear.  
  
"I don't know what you were thinking of - brawling like a couple of drunken men," she said, hurrying off to the kitchen.  
  
"He started it," Haldir protested, touching his soon-to-be-black eye.  
  
"He started it," Tulienne repeated scathingly as she came back. "What kind of an excuse is that? What are you - fifty? Now hold still."  
  
Haldir realised with a start that she had a wet cloth and a bowl on the table and was actually proposing to wipe the blood off his face. At first he was too surprised to protest, then he decided he didn't want to.  
  
Then she gave him another surprise when she lightly pressed her hand to his eye. When she took it away, he reached up and touched the skin.  
  
He looked up at her in surprise. "I wasn't aware that you had any healing skills," he said.  
  
"Just cuts and bruises," Tulienne said, giving his jaw the same treatment. "Nothing to get excited about. There now, you look much better. Are you hurt anywhere else?"  
  
Haldir put his hand to his chest. "Here," he said, before it occurred to him why she was asking. "But it's nothing serious," he added hurriedly.  
  
"Take your tunic off, Haldir, and stop being such a baby. It's not like I haven't seen a bare-chested male before. For that matter, it's not like I haven't seen *you* bare-chested before."  
  
Haldir nearly asked when, then remembered. During the kiss he'd been asleep for. He wished he'd been awake.  
  
Against his better judgement, Haldir obeyed. Staying focused with her hands on him proved to be somewhat difficult. They were also provoking certain . . . sensations. Haldir swallowed hard and tried to think about grass.  
  
"Well then, that takes care of most of your aches and pains," Tulienne said, after what simultaneously felt like two seconds and two centuries. Then she paused. "Apart from that well-placed blow to your crotch."  
  
"What?" Haldir squeaked, gripping the chair arms. She didn't mean . . . ? She couldn't mean . . . ?  
  
Tulienne shot him a look that could've frozen lava. "Males!" she said. "Minds like sewers. Did you really think I was going to put my hands down your leggings?"  
  
"Should I leave you two alone?" Arwen's mischievous voice said from the door. To Haldir's great relief, since it stopped him having to answer.  
  
"Not if you want both of us to come out alive," Tulienne replied, giving Haldir another dirty look.  
  
"Hmm . . . difficult," Arwen said. "But I think I do. And I have the other culprit here, ready for judgement."  
  
She pulled Elladan into the room. He was cleaned up, but still looked rather worse for wear. He spotted Haldir's healed face and turned to Tulienne.  
  
"No fair," he said. "Why did you heal him and not me?"  
  
"You deserve to suffer, he doesn't," Tulienne answered. Then she narrowed her eyes at Haldir. "Although I'm reconsidering."  
  
"Make nice and apologise, Elli, before we add some bruises to your collection," Arwen said menacingly.  
  
Elladan shuffled reluctantly into the room, glancing back at Arwen's threatening expression. He cleared his throat. "Sorry," he said awkwardly. "I suppose it's not really your fault if Tuli has bad taste."  
  
"For the final time," Tulienne said, stressing each syllable. "There is nothing going on. And if you two have one more fight on the basis that there is, I will personally remove the heads you both seem to be thinking with."  
  
The males winced as one.  
  
"Haldir, put your tunic on and get out," Tulienne said, suddenly sounding very tired. "Elladan . . . just get out. Arwen and I have a bridal party to get back to."  
  
Haldir watched her trail up the stairs. She didn't look back. Arwen, following her, did. Haldir quickly looked away.  
  
***  
  
"So, do you want to talk about it?" Arwen asked, much much later, as they sat on Tulienne's bedchamber floor together.  
  
Tulienne finished brushing her hair and started to braid it. "No."  
  
"Tuli," Arwen said seriously. "I know that we've teased you a lot - and I've done more than my fair share - but we're alone and I'm serious now. Do you have feelings for Haldir?"  
  
Tulienne abandoned her braid. "I don't know," she said in defeat. "I thought I might, then I thought I didn't, then I wondered . . . I don't know my own mind anymore."  
  
"What about your heart?"  
  
"I don't know about that either."  
  
Tulienne got to her feet and started to pace. She completed four laps and then she stopped. "I have one confession to make," she said.  
  
Arwen studied her closely. She was blushing.  
  
Well, well, so there really was a first time for everything.  
  
"What is it?" she asked.  
  
Tulienne blushed still more and avoided her eyes. "When . . . you came in before," she said. "I actually . . . did kind of want to put my hands down his leggings."  
  
Arwen stared at her for a few seconds, then she began to laugh. Harder and harder, until she was on all fours gasping for breath.  
  
"Oh, Tuli," she said at last, wiping her eyes. "Only you could confess your love for someone like that."  
  
"Call me naïve, but I always imagined there was something more to love than wanting to . . . well, experiment a little. I mean, you're not telling me that that's the first thing you think of when you see Estel?"  
  
"No," Arwen said, smiling. "But it's the second thing."  
  
"But that's my point," Tulienne said, sitting down again with a thump. "You love Estel and you know you want to marry him. The fact that you want to jump on him - and would have by now, whatever you may say, if it hadn't been for Lord Elrond threatening to end the line of heirs if he let you - is an added bonus. With Haldir, the wanting to jump on him part is the only bit I'm sure of."  
  
"You could try jumping on him first and figuring out the rest later."  
  
"Yes, because that couldn't backfire in any way."  
  
Arwen laughed at her expression. "Well, why don't you try getting to know him properly?"  
  
"Bad idea."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because every time we're together, we fight. I admit we've been getting on a little better lately - between the insults and me punching him on the jaw - and it was actually kind of endearing when I made him take his tunic off. I never thought he'd be self-conscious about his body when he's such a gorgeous hunk of . . . anyway, it just wouldn't work."  
  
"Have you tried it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That how do you know it wouldn't work?"  
  
Silence. 


	7. Huh?

Evenstar, I'm v.glad you brought that up. Now, can someone explain to me exactly what constitutes a Mary Sue? I never heard the term before I came here and I'm still a little confused.  
  
Annie, if you leave your e-mail address I'm happy to mail you when I put the next part up. And that was the nicest review I've ever had, so thank you, even though I don't deserve half your praise.  
  
Chatnoir1, I think we're all pervy Haldir fanciers here. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. :-D  
  
42 reviews by my count. Heading for the half-century!  
  
'Part 7'  
  
The next morning saw Haldir standing behind a tree, watching Tulienne on the archery range. He could not explain why he felt this was necessary, just that it was.  
  
It took a while, but eventually he began to watch her as March Warden and not as the nervous, somewhat unhinged Haldir he had been for the last few days. And then he decided to act.  
  
"Finally bored of spying on me, Haldir?" Tulienne asked as he approached.  
  
"You have very sharp ears," was his reply.  
  
Tulienne looked at him strangely. "I believe they're not uncommon," she said.  
  
"Many of my wardens would not have detected my presence while concentrating as you were."  
  
"Then maybe some of your wardens need to go back to guard training," Tulienne said, readying her bow again.  
  
Haldir put a hand on it and stopped her. "Or maybe you are just uncommonly skilled."  
  
Tulienne turned back to him, looking suspicious. "What exactly is this line of talk leading up to?"  
  
"Tulienne, what do you do all day?"  
  
She shrugged. "Chaperone Ceilwyn and Salia, do chores, sneak out to practice, go riding once in a blue moon, listen to twittering elleths go on and on about their 'true loves', try to stay sane. The usual."  
  
"Have you never thought of finding a real occupation?" Haldir asked, a look of distaste distorting his face at the thought of such a life.  
  
"My uncle considers that the only occupation for well brought up maidens," Tulienne said grimly. "He won't even let me wear leggings. Anyway, a real occupation like what?"  
  
"Like becoming a warden."  
  
She laughed. "You want me under you?"  
  
Just when he was trying so very hard not to think of that.  
  
"Yes. No. You . . . while you would technically be under my command, you would not necessarily have to serve on the same borders as I do."  
  
Tulienne's expression slowly changed from amusement to muted surprise. "You're serious," she said. "You really want me?"  
  
Valar, she was not going to make this easy for him.  
  
"Your abilities as an archer surpass those of many of my wardens," Haldir said. "Your long range senses surpass most, if not all. I would not be a good March Warden if I did not think it wise to capitalise on those skills."  
  
"No one questions that you're a good March Warden," Tulienne said quietly.  
  
"There is more," Haldir said, trying not to read anything into that comment. "Swordplay and hand-to-hand combat. How are you at those?"  
  
"Fair, I think, but rusty. My uncle confiscated my sword when I arrived here."  
  
Haldir looked at her impassively. "Have you ever considered moving out?"  
  
Tulienne snorted. "The only ways out of that house are marriage and death," she said. "And I don't like to leave Salia alone. Maybe when she and Orophin tie the knot I'll get a place to myself. I don't fancy being the only one for my uncle to worry about."  
  
Haldir grimaced. That was a torment he wouldn't wish on anyone.  
  
"But the only way to find out is to test me," Tulienne said. "I know where that sword is hidden and I think it's time to steal . . . borrow . . . it back."  
  
"In the meantime, we have practise ones you can use."  
  
Tulienne looked a little taken aback, which was a first. "You want to test me now?"  
  
"No time like the present."  
  
Tulienne grinned. "Afraid I'll beat you if I have time to practise?"  
  
Haldir smirked. "Unlikely."  
  
She grinned wider. "I think I'll surprise you."  
  
"This is one area where words will not serve you."  
  
"No problem, March Warden. I assure you that *I* am not all talk."  
  
Haldir's eyes glinted dangerously. "That remains to be seen."  
  
***  
  
"What's he doing?" Rumil whispered.  
  
Orophin was watching Haldir & Tulienne with a bemused look on his face. "I think he's flirting."  
  
Rumil raised an eyebrow as he took another look at the scene. "This is his idea of flirting? No wonder he doesn't have a girl. He's going to kill her."  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Orophin said, watching in admiration as Tulienne sent Haldir to the ground. "She's good."  
  
"He's holding back. He must be."  
  
Orophin grinned as he spotted the look on his brother's face. "Well, if he was before, he's not going to now."  
  
***  
  
Haldir jumped back to his feet, ignoring the pain in his back. So, she was going to play dirty, was she? Well, all the better. He could do that too.  
  
"Intimidated?" Tulienne said, swinging her sword like it was just a sharp extension of her arm.  
  
She was good. In fact she was very good. But he was better.  
  
"I do not find you intimidating," he said, as they began to circle each other again. "I find you . . . infuriating."  
  
"Mutual," Tulienne said as their swords met.  
  
"Arrogant."  
  
"I learnt it from you."  
  
"Sarcastic."  
  
"Your actions beg for it."  
  
He attacked.  
  
A moment later, Haldir was on his back again and his sword had been kicked clean out of his hand. She had just disarmed him and put him completely at her mercy in one swift move. And he had no clear idea what she had done.  
  
"Who trained you?" he asked, the suspicion that had been growing in his mind since they had begun bursting into full bloom.  
  
Tulienne hesitated as she grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet again.  
  
"Well . . . no one officially," she said.  
  
"Officially?"  
  
"Well, he was supposed to be training Elrohir and Elladan, but it takes an orc attack to drag Elrohir from his books and Elli doesn't have the longest attention span and I hung around a bit too often for him to just ignore me. I mean, I'm sure Lord Elrond knew about it. A couple of centuries go by and you expect someone to notice and Elrond always found out his secrets one way or another and . . . "  
  
Haldir put the point of his sword at her throat. "Who?" he said sharply.  
  
"Lord Glorfindel."  
  
That explained everything.  
  
Haldir sheathed his sword. "Then I doubt there is much I can teach you," he said. "There is not much he doesn't know."  
  
"You admire him."  
  
"There are few who do not. And they are fools."  
  
Tulienne approached him slowly, sheathing her own sword. "There is always more to learn," she said. "And I know you know that. And despite the . . . difficulties we have had, I respect your skill and I would like very much to learn from you."  
  
Haldir studied her carefully. She looked serious.  
  
"Although I suppose you'll be returning to the borders soon," she said. She sounded almost . . . sad.  
  
At that point, some strange, mysterious entity hijacked Haldir's vocal cords.  
  
"Actually," he said. "I do not have to return to the borders yet. I . . . have a good deal of leave stored up."  
  
About five hundred years.  
  
"And Lord Celeborn has been encouraging me to take some."  
  
Although he'd been ignoring him for centuries.  
  
"And I was thinking of doing so."  
  
For about the last thirty seconds.  
  
"And working with you could be . . . enjoyable."  
  
What was he saying?  
  
Tulienne looked taken aback, which was understandable since so was Haldir and he was the one who had said it.  
  
"I suppose . . . if you really feel that way . . . once the wedding is over . . . we could try it."  
  
Haldir didn't know quite what to say. So he smiled.  
  
She smiled back.  
  
He smiled some more.  
  
This went on for quite some time.  
  
"So . . ." Tulienne said finally, dropping her gaze. "I guess . . . I'll see you around."  
  
Haldir nodded.  
  
Tulienne headed off, running her fingers through her hair again. Haldir watched her until she was out of sight. Then he looked down at the ground.  
  
What had just happened? 


	8. Oh, Brother

The idea for this part is straight out of the excellent 'Spontaneous Romanticism' by Liomi. I hope she will forgive me for snurching it and prove it by posting another chapter. ;-)  
  
Annie, I'm actually not an author who usually updates daily, although I don't like to leave readers hanging too long. My inspiration has been dammed a long time and now the flood gates seem to have opened. Hopefully it won't dry up before the end of the story, although the plot bunnies are trying to run off and work on another one. :- )  
  
Hmmm, well if Tulienne is perfect then I must just have misplaced my wings and halo. Hang on, I know I put them somewhere . . .  
  
Past the half century with 52 reviews! Can I make it to 100? Tune in for the next exciting episode of 'Traps'.  
  
'Part 8'  
  
"But he can't be doing this just because he likes her?" Salia asked, frowning.  
  
Orophin shook his head. "Definitely not. Haldir takes being March Warden way too seriously for that. If he said she'd make a good warden, he meant it."  
  
"So why is this a success?"  
  
The Get Haldir Married Club, minus Lord Celeborn, were holding a summit meeting in the gardens to discuss the momentous, indeed unprecedented, events of the morning.  
  
"Haldir has never, ever, trained anyone," Rumil said. "He'll pass a comment or two, but working one-on-one . . . he just doesn't."  
  
"And he never takes any time off until someone makes him," Orophin added. "He complained no end about having to sit around all week waiting for the wedding and now he's voluntarily staying away from the borders for another month. Maybe even two."  
  
Rumil shook his head in wonder. "It must be love."  
  
"Either that or she gave him concussion when she knocked him down," Orophin agreed, grinning.  
  
"What's more, I think it's finally beginning to dawn on him that he likes her," Rumil pulled Ceilwyn closer and grinned. "What about Tulienne?"  
  
Arwen, newly conscripted into the war effort, shook her head. "She's completely confused. She admits to being attracted to him, but she won't get it into her head that it's more than that. We need to show her that it is." A small smile began to creep over her face. "I think we need . . . competition."  
  
"For Haldir?" Rumil said, looking sceptical. "Where are we going to find that?"  
  
"He never speaks to maidens if he can help it. Why would they want him?"  
  
Arwen, Salia and even Ceilwyn exchanged amused looks.  
  
"Half the elleths in Lorien are mad for him," Salia said, laughing at the brothers' stunned expressions. "He's the March Warden, his silence makes him mysterious and of course he's so handsome."  
  
Orophin cleared his throat.  
  
"Though still nothing compared to you," Salia added smoothly.  
  
He smiled.  
  
"And the Tinuviel festival tonight is the perfect chance," Arwen added mischievously. "The girls ask the guys and they have to say yes. And once we spread it around that Haldir's finally putting himself on the market . . . "  
  
Salia clapped her hands together. "Tonight, every elleth in Lorien is going to ask Haldir for a dance."  
  
Orophin laughed. "You're forgetting one important detail - how do we get him there? Haldir never goes to any festival, let alone the Tinuviel one."  
  
"The mere thought of being at the mercy of maidens terrifies him," Rumil added, laughing.  
  
Then they paused and slowly turned to each other. Identical smirks appeared on their faces as their thought patterns merged. Then they turned back.  
  
"Ladies," Rumil said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Leave it to us. We have a truly diabolical plan . . ."  
  
***  
  
"I do *not* want to spend my evening surrounded by empty headed maidens with nothing to think of except the fashion of their hair. If I am to spend time with one, she must have sense in her words, thought in her actions and purpose in her life."  
  
With that, Haldir resolutely went back to his book.  
  
"It's an important event, people expect you to be there," Rumil said, as he and Orophin sat down on either side of his chair.  
  
"I have not attended the festival of Tinuviel in three thousand years. I do not think my absence will even be noted."  
  
"We know, but this year it's different," Orophin said seriously.  
  
"Half of Lorien will be there, you have no need of a chaperone."  
  
"It's not that . . ." Rumil said, letting his voice trail off.  
  
Haldir's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he looked up.  
  
"What is it, then?"  
  
Rumil and Orophin exchanged carefully schooled concerned looks.  
  
"Well . . . " Orophin began slowly. "There's . . . a rumour, you might say."  
  
"Not so much a rumour," Rumil corrected. "More a . . . question."  
  
"Yes, a question," Orophin agreed. "About you."  
  
Haldir put down his book. "What kind of question exactly?"  
  
Another exchange of looks.  
  
"Well," Rumil said. "About why you always avoid maidens."  
  
"And spend all your time at the borders with other wardens - who are almost all male."  
  
"And well . . . we were wondering," Rumil said, as he and Orophin executed a perfectly choreographed move and each put their hand on one of Haldir's legs. "Is there something we should know?"  
  
Haldir looked from one to the other, his face impassive. "I am going to pretend that you never asked that question."  
  
"Well, we didn't believe it," Rumil said, in the most fake-sounding sincere tone he could muster.  
  
"Of course not," Orophin agreed. His false laugh was a masterpiece.  
  
Haldir's composed face started to waver a bit around the edges.  
  
"But in that case - and just so you're sure, as your brothers we absolutely believe you - we thought you should know the rest."  
  
"What rest?" Haldir said, his voice cracking just a little.  
  
More glances.  
  
"Well, the thing is that . . . well, we wouldn't want to name names, but someone . . . has expressed an . . . interest in you."  
  
Haldir's eyes widened almost imperceptibly.  
  
"And we . . . heard a rumour."  
  
"Just a rumour. It might not be true."  
  
"Although a lot of people seem to think so."  
  
"But they could be mistaken."  
  
"What is this rumour?" Haldir demanded.  
  
"Well . . . since you won't be at the festival tonight, this certain person who has expressed interest is planning on coming to see you. To . . . make you an offer."  
  
Haldir's face took on an expression rather like he was the proverbial rabbit in the headlights.  
  
"We want you to know," Rumil said, patting Haldir's leg, "that we're absolutely fine with you staying here if that's what you want."  
  
"Completely fine," Orophin agreed comfortingly. "You deserve a little love in your life. And it could be fun to have a brother-in-law."  
  
"Although . . . if I'm honest," Rumil said. "I wouldn't really want to be related to . . . this person."  
  
"No," Orophin said, pulling a small face. "It might be better if you were out when he came round. Plus with you working together and all, it could get awkward."  
  
"Very."  
  
"And he's so persistent when it comes to chasing whatever he wants."  
  
"True."  
  
They turned to Haldir as one. "What do you think?" they asked in unison.  
  
Haldir was frantically running through his mental list of wardens, trying to work out who it could possibly be. And how soon he could transfer them to the borders on the far side of Lorien. Then he realised that they seemed to require an answer.  
  
"I . . . think perhaps I may come to the festival after all," he said nervously. "It . . . could be fun."  
  
Luckily, he missed the twin smiles of triumph on his brothers' faces. 


	9. Maidens Killed 300 VGood

60 reviews! Go me!  
  
Kika1, you are of course right. Consider them mythological headlights. ;-)  
  
Wonder what you'll think of this chapter. Oh, but this is fun!  
  
'Part 9'  
  
That evening, the GHMC basked in the glow of success.  
  
Usually, when forced to attend any kind of social gathering, Haldir would avoid all maidens and resolutely talk to his wardens all night. On this occasion, however, the March Warden looked decidedly jumpy every time one of his wardens approached him and had danced with all the most eligible elleths in Lorien. Which was, unsurprisingly, causing some talk.  
  
The conspirators were most gratified to note that Tulienne, between occasional dances with Rumil, Orophin and Elladan, had spent most of the evening watching Haldir's various partners with barely concealed dislike. The scent of success was in the air. Although it could just have been Salia's perfume.  
  
After a few hours, when Haldir's feet were aching from dancing and his ears aching worse from listening to twittering females, someone forcibly removed his current partner and cut in.  
  
"Having a good time?" Tulienne asked, ignoring the evil looks she was getting from most of the female population.  
  
In the background, the music changed mid bar from upbeat to slow. The GHMC had connections. And the bandleader had a crush on Arwen.  
  
Haldir looked down at her, realising absently that he had never been so genuinely pleased to see her before. "Do you wish to discuss my marital status?"  
  
Tulienne looked rather taken aback. "I wasn't planning on it."  
  
"Praise the decorations?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you expect me to remark on your gown?"  
  
"Not unless I've spilt something on it. Or it's split to the point of indecency."  
  
Haldir looked immensely relieved. "Then would you ask that I spend the rest of the night with you?"  
  
Tulienne, registering that the other couples around them had moved somewhat closer, draped her arms loosely around his neck and rested her forehead lightly against his shoulder. "Haldir," she said, smiling to herself very slightly, "I'd be honoured if you would."  
  
Haldir wrapped his arms around her waist and relaxed for the first time in many hours.  
  
***  
  
For the rest of the festival, Tulienne monopolised Haldir so completely that she might as well have hung a 'taken' sign around his neck. At first a few daring elleths attempted to approach him anyway, but they were made short work of and soon abandoned the attempt, muttering unflattering descriptions of Imladris females which earned them more dark looks, this time from Arwen.  
  
If this caused a stir, the fact that Lorien's March Warden was apparently willingly submitting to it left many of the company shocked rigid. Clearly the pressure of his position had finally shredded his sanity, as this was the only explanation for his otherwise unfathomable behaviour.  
  
By the time Haldir and Tulienne left - together, no less - everyone present was shaking their heads. How the mighty had fallen. Haldir, the stubborn no nonsense Captain of the Galadhrim, was well and truly whipped.  
  
Ah, the sweet taste of victory!  
  
***  
  
The next morning heard a very hesitant knock on Haldir's door. Then two faces peeked round the edge.  
  
Haldir regarded them from his breakfast table with casual amusement. "I see you have finally learnt how to knock," he observed.  
  
Rumil and Orophin seemed to be scanning every inch of his talan like they were on watch. Haldir pretended not to know what they were looking for.  
  
He let them continue for a minute, then spoke. "To what do I owe this tentative approach?"  
  
His brothers looked a little red in the ears. "Well," Rumil said, rubbing the back of his neck. "We weren't quite sure if you were alone."  
  
Haldir raised an eyebrow, feigning surprise. "What would make you imagine that I wasn't?"  
  
"You did leave together," Orophin pointed out delicately.  
  
"I am told that it is a tradition associated with festivals of this nature to have an escort home."  
  
"So . . . she's not here?" Rumil finally dared to ask.  
  
"Who?" Haldir asked innocently.  
  
They shifted uncomfortably. "Tulienne," Orophin said finally.  
  
Haldir gave them both the most disapproving looks he could muster in the circumstances. "Do you mean to suggest that she would spend the night with an elf she was not even promised to, let alone bound with?" he asked sternly.  
  
"No!" Rumil said at once.  
  
"Of course not," Orophin added hastily.  
  
They exchanged glances. "Well sort of," they admitted.  
  
"Just because it's you," Rumil explained. "You looked . . . well, pretty cosy last night and we thought . . . "  
  
". . . you might have got things sorted out," Orophin finished.  
  
Haldir regarded them both silently, keeping control of his features with grave difficulty. "I suggest," he said. "That you refrain from making any more suggestions of this nature. Otherwise I shall feel obliged to reveal your accusations to the maiden in question. And I assure you, she will not be so patient with you as I have been."  
  
Rumil and Orophin gulped at his threatening expression and starting backing towards the door.  
  
"Of course we didn't really think . . . "  
  
"We just . . . "  
  
"We meant . . ."  
  
They fled.  
  
Once the door was safely shut behind them, Haldir stopping fighting and let a broad grin take over his face.  
  
"I applaud your skill mellon-nin," he said softly. "Your predictions were almost word perfect."  
  
Tulienne grinned impishly as she slipped in through the door that led to Haldir's balcony. "What can I say? I'm naturally brilliant."  
  
"Mmmm," Haldir said as he pulled her onto his lap for a kiss. "I agree."  
  
He let the kiss deepen a little more than he should have done and much more than he'd intended, until Tulienne broke away.  
  
"I will have to get back to my uncle's talan before anyone realises I am gone," she murmured. "Or he will believe that I really did spend the night here. And I have no desire to see your limbs strewn across Caras Galadhon. I imagine you have far more uses whole. And I look forward very much to discovering those uses with you."  
  
Haldir cleared his throat and restrained himself, with considerable difficulty, from suggesting that they skip ahead somewhat in their courtship. He and Tulienne had spent some time together the night before - when they had indeed got many things sorted out - and despite having waited more than five millennia for her already, the six months which would form the absolute minimum courting period seemed an intolerably long time to wait before matters could be brought to their inevitable conclusion.  
  
"And I look forward to allowing you," he replied, idly wondering exactly when he had learnt to say such things. He planted a light kiss on her ear and was rewarded with a delicious shiver. "Are you certain you need to return immediately?"  
  
She moved away from him resolutely. "Yes. Especially if you intend to make things difficult."  
  
Haldir followed her, seizing the first opportunity to trap her against the wall by the door. "How I am making things difficult?" he asked, bending to kiss her neck. Oh yes, he thought to himself, he could get to like this new game.  
  
This time she shoved him away unceremoniously.  
  
"If you continue like this, we will not last six hours, let alone six months," Tulienne told him breathlessly. "So let me go now or our plan will be ruined."  
  
Haldir bit his tongue to keep from declaring that he would sooner forget the plan and keep her there, but he had to admit that the ideas they had formulated last night still held considerable temptation. It was not often that he had a chance to torment his brothers as they had done to him so many times . . .  
  
"Then I will let you go," he said, after one last kiss. "For today, the games truly begin." 


	10. He was a guy She was a girl

Juliediane, believe me you don't need to add 'of Elanor's Revenge' to your name for me to know who you are. I saw your name on my review alert and starting bouncing up and down yelling 'OMG, OMG, OMG! She likes my story!!!!!!!!!!!!!'. How could I have considered myself worthy to recommend my fic to the queen of Haldir fanfic? And for your wonderful reviews, I am now your devoted slave. I grovel at your feet.  
  
Illuvien, zambonigirl and Tea and Crumpets (great name btw), when I began this I was actually planning on redoing MAAN, as it's my favourite play as well. However, the plot wandered off on its own, as all my plots tend to do. So much more fun when even the author doesn't know what's going to happen next. ;-)  
  
My profile says I'm up to 87 reviews! The century is in sight! And to think when I started this I was barely hoping to get 10. I love you all. Hugs for everyone. :-D  
  
Speaking of which, plot bunnies ran away today and wrote the prologue for my next fic. I think I'm going to have even more fun with that one . . .  
  
This chapter. What can I say? You're going to burn me alive.  
  
'Part 10'  
  
"So, did you get things sorted out?" Rumil and Orophin asked breathlessly, after their hundred-yard dash to where Tulienne was practising.  
  
Tulienne turned to them with a warm smile. "Oh yes," she said. "We took a long walk after we left the festival and he told me everything."  
  
She put down her bow and took their hands. "I want to thank you for bringing him there," she said seriously. "On behalf of both of us. It might have taken so much longer if you hadn't helped."  
  
Rumil and Orophin grinned widely in triumph and barely restrained themselves from doing a victory dance.  
  
"So, he really told you exactly how he feels?" Orophin demanded eagerly.  
  
"Everything," Tulienne confirmed. "It was such a relief for him. I can't imagine how he's suffered all this time, keeping his feelings in, hiding from everyone. I think after last night he could no longer lie to himself. I'm just honoured he would choose to confide in me."  
  
The first signs of confusion started to show on the brothers' faces. Somehow, this didn't sound quite right.  
  
"Er . . . what exactly did Haldir tell you?" Rumil asked.  
  
Tulienne smiled innocently at them. "As I said, everything. All about his true love."  
  
Alarmed glances were exchanged as warning bells started to ring.  
  
Tulienne pretended not to notice and leaned forward, preparing to deliver the killer. "Who is he? Do you know?"  
  
That just about finished them off. Rumil and Orophin stared at her with expressions of unmitigated horror on their faces, trying desperately to convince themselves that they hadn't really heard what they knew they had.  
  
Tulienne gasped and clapped a hand to her mouth. "Oh, Elbereth, I thought you knew! I never dreamed he wouldn't have told you first. And I promised him so faithfully I would keep his secret."  
  
Two dumb struck elves stared back at her.  
  
"You mustn't let on that I told you," she said, her eyes pleading with them. "Not until he feels ready to tell you himself. It's so important that he has someone to confide in while he's so vulnerable. You must act as if you know nothing. Completely normal. Please? For Haldir?"  
  
Rumil and Orophin somehow gathered themselves enough to nod.  
  
Tulienne breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you understand," she said gratefully. "He needs your support as much as mine. It will be such a huge adjustment for him once everyone knows. He needs to know that his family are behind him."  
  
She gave their hands a squeeze. "Go to him," she whispered. "Just be with him. You give him strength."  
  
The brothers stumbled away as though their world had been shaken like a snow dome and then left balanced precariously on its round top. Which wasn't that far from the truth.  
  
Tulienne watched them until they were safely out of earshot. Then she gave in and laughed until the rest of the archers on the range concluded that summer madness was not the fictional ailment they had always imagined, but very, very real.  
  
***  
  
Haldir sat in his talan, waiting. As Tulienne had predicted, it didn't take long before the knock came on his door.  
  
He got up, carefully setting his features into a dead pan expression, and answered it.  
  
If truth be told, Haldir had been just a little leery of this plan. Mainly because it seemed to involve much suffering on his part and none at all on Tulienne's. But the moment he opened the door - and had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing until he cried - he knew it was worth it.  
  
Two almost ghostly faces stared at him with the desperate look of escaped mental patients. For a few minutes, Haldir wondered if they still possessed the power of speech. Never in his wildest fantasies had he imagined being able to make his brothers look at him like that.  
  
"Hi . . . " Rumil managed eventually. "We . . . we thought we'd come see how you are."  
  
"I am fine," Haldir said composedly. "Although I cannot say the same about you. Are you ill, my brother?"  
  
He reached out and put an affectionate hand on Rumil's shoulder. Rumil jumped like a flea on a trampoline and scuttled into the far corner of the talan. Haldir turned to Orophin, a concerned look on his face. Orophin gave him a weak smile and hurried after his brother.  
  
Haldir suppressed a smile with grave difficulty and closed the door behind them. He had to marvel at the extent of Tulienne's talents, since she had quite clearly scared them half out of their wits. He tried not to let his mind wander to what other talents she might reveal and focused on the job on hand.  
  
"We . . . spoke to Tulienne," Orophin managed to get out. "She said you . . . talked."  
  
Haldir smiled. "Yes, and I know you will be pleased to learn that we have resolved our differences admirably. Although I fear it will disappoint you that this has not had the result you intended."  
  
"It doesn't disappoint us, Haldir," Rumil said earnestly. "Really. We're sorry that we ever made you feel you had to please us instead of . . . " he gulped, ". . . following your heart."  
  
"Absolutely," Orophin agreed hastily, looking nervously at Haldir. "We . . . we want you to be happy, Brother. Whomever you love . . . we will love also."  
  
"Not the way you do obviously," Rumil added, playing with his cuffs. "But . . . we will accept them into our family. Even if . . . they are not quite what we were expecting."  
  
Haldir regarded them both gravely. "I am very glad to hear that, my brothers," he said, carefully injecting a note of gratitude into his voice. "Though I cannot imagine what has prompted this declaration."  
  
"Nothing!" two voices exclaimed in unison.  
  
"There's . . . there's never a bad time to share your feelings," Rumil said.  
  
"I don't think we do that enough," Orophin said. "And we should, we really should. I think we should . . . I think we should hug."  
  
Haldir hastily concealed a laugh by clearing his throat, pretending to be overcome by emotion. "Thank you," he said fervently. "You . . . cannot imagine what that means to me."  
  
What the all-seeing Valar thought of this little display, no one knew. But they were treated to the most awkward three-way hug ever attempted by man, elf, dwarf or hobbit.  
  
"I believe we are expected at your intended's house," Haldir observed when he was released, knowing he could take very little more. "We should make haste."  
  
Haldir led the way with his brothers trailing behind him. Haldir made it a point to give every warden he met his best smile and pretended not to see the maidens. He was almost beginning to enjoy himself, although he didn't know how much longer he could keep it up.  
  
Tulienne was waiting for them. Haldir saw her long before he arrived and feasted his eyes on the elleth he hoped would one day be his wife. He could not now believe that it had taken him two years to realise how beautiful she was. She stood on her toes to kiss his cheek when they arrived and it took all his self-control not to abandon the plan completely and sweep her into his arms. Valar, he didn't want to play this game any longer than he had to.  
  
As soon as he could, Haldir stole Tulienne away from the group.  
  
"So," she said, when they were finally alone. "How did it go?"  
  
Haldir shook his head in a combination of amusement and disbelief. "Better than I could have imagined," he said. "You have a remarkable talent for causing havoc."  
  
Tulienne laughed. "It's good that you realise that now," she said. "Because I must warn you, Haldir of Lorien, that when I am your wife I will turn your neat little world upside down."  
  
"As if you have not already," Haldir murmured, bending his head to kiss her neck.  
  
"None of that," Tulienne said sternly, pulling away.  
  
Haldir groaned. "Can we not abandon the plan? I want to tell everyone now, so that we no longer have to hide."  
  
"Plan or no plan, no one is to know until the wedding. And then we will tell everyone on our own terms. I do not intend to give the Get Haldir Married Club any more satisfaction than I can possibly help."  
  
She laughed at Haldir's surprised expression. "For future reference," she said, treating him to one soft kiss. "Never underestimate me. There are no secrets that I cannot discover if I have a mind to. Your days of being a mystery are numbered. For your sake, I hope you realise that."  
  
"I believe I am just beginning to," Haldir replied, and captured her lips in another delicious kiss. 


	11. There's No Accounting For Taste

I've just started posting a new story, entitled 'A Comedy of Eros', now that 'Traps' is drawing to a close. By my reckoning I'm up to Thursday afternoon and the wedding is on Saturday. I think there will be a sequel. In the meantime, I hope at least some of you will like that one too.  
  
111 reviews. It is indeed sickening. And scary, since now I'm expected to do it again with the next one.  
  
Thanks for the wonderful reviews I've had for the last chapter! :- )  
  
'Part 11'  
  
Haldir found it remarkable that no one had yet come after them, which was certainly an unexpected bonus. For a few seconds he seriously considered continuing this masquerade, as it seemed to be the only sure-fire way to gain him unlimited access to the elleth he adored.  
  
But then he pictured having to explain to all of Lorien that it had only been a joke. More important still, before he could start counting down the days to his & Tulienne's wedding, he would need her uncle to formally recognise their courtship. And Haldir had a suspicion that he might just object to her promising herself to someone who, by all accounts, preferred his own sex.  
  
And so he turned his attention back to Tulienne.  
  
"I love your neck," he whispered, kissing it.  
  
"Mmmm."  
  
"And your elbows."  
  
More kisses.  
  
"And your shoulders."  
  
"Haldir . . . "  
  
"And your . . . "  
  
"Don't even think about saying it!"  
  
". . . slender feet."  
  
Tulienne gave him a look that would've turned lesser beings to stone.  
  
"Haldir," she said. "If love is this blind, you will have to remove yourself from border patrol. My feet are for standing on, my neck for supporting my head and my elbows for jabbing you with. I have standard issue hair and unremarkable eyes. I'm only beautiful to you."  
  
Haldir grinned and bent to kiss her again. "And I would not have it any other way," he whispered, just before their lips met.  
  
***  
  
"I just don't know what can have gotten into them today," Salia said, as she and Tulienne helped Ceilwyn into her wedding dress for the final trial. "They were so . . . quiet."  
  
Tulienne hid her grin with difficulty. "A rare event indeed," she agreed.  
  
"They didn't even tease you once about dancing with Haldir," Salia went on. "And they just vanished as soon as Adar said it was time to have the gowns fitted. Normally he has to throw them out. I wonder . . . "  
  
"Oh Elbereth," Ceilwyn whispered, a hand going to her mouth. "Do you think . . ."  
  
"NO!" Tulienne and Salia said in unison, recognising the now familiar question.  
  
"Wyn, for the final time. Rumil. Has. Not. Changed. His. Mind," Tulienne said. "The three of them are deranged, you know that. I wouldn't be surprised if their strange behaviour isn't the result of a bachelor stunt gone wrong. We'll get him sorted out and to the altar on time, don't you worry."  
  
"Makes me wonder exactly what they get up to at those bachelor parties," Salia remarked, closing the last clasps on Ceilwyn's dress.  
  
Tulienne's face took on a calculating look as her brain began to tick over. Hmm, she thought, interesting point . . .  
  
"There," Salia said. "You're in."  
  
Tulienne smiled at her cousin. "It's a beautiful dress, Wyn, and you'll be a beautiful bride. If he has any doubts left, Rumil will forget them when he sees you. He can't fail to realise how lucky he is."  
  
Salia grinned. "That is, if he can remember to think of anything besides taking off the gown."  
  
Tulienne raised an eyebrow at her. "We seem to have switched roles here, Cousin," she said. "I'm quite sure that was my line."  
  
"I'm practising for when you run off with Haldir and leave me alone."  
  
Tulienne rolled her eyes. "Haven't you given up on that yet?"  
  
"Definitely not," Salia said in surprise. "Especially after last night. No one who was there would have any doubt that you will announce your courtship after Ceilwyn's wedding."  
  
"I suggest you speak to Orophin about that," Tulienne said innocently. "And see what he says . . . "  
  
***  
  
"I can't understand it," Salia said, much later, after she and Ceilwyn had spent an hour with their dazed and confused loves. "Yesterday they were convinced that the two of you were made for each other, now they're muttering about being mistaken and they won't explain why."  
  
Tulienne bit her lip to keep a smile back. "Goodness," she said. "I can't imagine what Haldir can have told them to make them change their minds like that."  
  
"But aren't you disappointed?" Ceilwyn asked. "You two seemed so perfect for each other."  
  
"Have I not told you on countless occasions that my only wish as regards the March Warden is to torment him?"  
  
Salia laughed. "What better position for doing that than as his wife?"  
  
Tulienne regarded her for a few minutes, then a smile began to spread over her face. "Cousin," she said. "I hope Orophin realises what he is getting himself into. I have clearly been a very bad influence on you."  
  
***  
  
"It could be . . . "  
  
"No, not him, but it might . . . "  
  
Haldir put a finger to his lips as Tulienne crept up to join him in his hiding place. She smiled impishly and took his hand as they edged closer to Rumil and Orophin.  
  
Rumil shook his head resolutely. "I'm sure it's not him," he said. "He's taller than Haldir. I'm positive Haldir would want someone shorter than him."  
  
Haldir quickly suppressed a snort of laughter.  
  
"I thought perhaps it could be . . . Bethulien," Orophin offered.  
  
Rumil gave him a strange look. "Haldir hates him, you know that."  
  
"Well yes," Orophin said awkwardly. "But maybe that's a cover up. You know, to hide his true feelings."  
  
Rumil shuddered. "Oh Elbereth, I hope not. Valar forbid we should ever be related to that orc."  
  
Haldir's shoulders began to shake with suppressed mirth as an image of his least favourite warden in a satin wedding dress flashed up in front of his eyes.  
  
"On the other hand," Orophin said. "He's after Haldir's job, everyone knows that. I don't think Haldir would go for someone who challenged his command."  
  
"So it's got to be someone who doesn't aim to be March Warden."  
  
"But then again," Orophin said slowly. "It has to be someone who has purpose. Who has authority. Who . . . "  
  
The two brothers turned to look at each other, going white.  
  
"In the name of the Valar," Orophin breathed. "It can't be."  
  
"I think it must be," Rumil said in despair. "Our brother has taken leave of his senses and fallen in love with Lord Celeborn."  
  
That did it. Haldir exploded, laughing until he could scarcely breathe. Tulienne clutched at him, tears rolling unchecked down her face as they both abandoned any semblance of control.  
  
"What's so funny?" Rumil asked, making the conspirators laugh still harder.  
  
Realisation slowly dawned over Orophin's face. "Brother," he said slowly. "I think we've been had."  
  
Rumil looked at the pathetic laughing heap that was his eldest brother. "You mean . . . this was all a joke?" he asked faintly.  
  
"And a very good one," Haldir choked out. "You should have seen your face!"  
  
Without further ado, Rumil and Orophin both launched themselves at him. Haldir and Tulienne managed to stop laughing just long enough to fight them off.  
  
"Consider this payback for all the many, many times you have fooled me, my brothers," Haldir said, as he held Rumil securely pinned to the floor. "And a word of wisdom . . . this was not the elleth to choose to match me with if you wanted a nice, quiet wedding and nothing more. You have her to thank for this."  
  
"Well, I like that," Tulienne protested, from where she was holding Orophin down. "As if I've done more than give a little aid where it was needed. You have played your part too well to lay all the blame on me."  
  
Orophin made a muffled sound. Tulienne generously moved to allow him to raise his head.  
  
"What is it, cousin?" she asked mischievously.  
  
"I said, are you going to let us up now?" Orophin complained.  
  
Haldir and Tulienne exchanged glances.  
  
"I suppose we really should," Tulienne said reluctantly.  
  
The brothers found themselves hauled to their feet by their respective captors.  
  
"So this is what you talked about when you left the festival?" Rumil asked.  
  
"Indeed," Haldir said.  
  
"Well, I think we're clear on one thing," Orophin said grimly. "These two must never be left alone again."  
  
Haldir opened his mouth to object, but was poked sharply in the ribs.  
  
"Glad to see you've come to your senses at last, cousin," Tulienne said sweetly. "And you may as well disband the GHMC, because there are precious few elleths in Lorien who will marry this elf."  
  
"Thank the Valar," Rumil said grumpily, as he and Orophin started to skulk away. "At least that way he'll never procreate." 


	12. Last Night of Freedom

Sorry about the delay. Plot bunnies have been on vacation this week. Would you believe someone actually gave them a visa?  
  
I now have 135 reviews! I've had 24 since I posted the last chapter! Am avoiding pinching myself so as not to wake up from this dream! :-D  
  
Haldir fans (ie everyone), I recommend checking out 'Meet me at Decatur Street' by GoblinBrat. It's a Haldir-comes-to-the-future story, but Haldir is absolutely perfect. Not to mention very, very funny. And no, I don't know the author. I just like the story.  
  
Direct movie quotation in this one, but somehow I don't think I'll need to source it. ;-)  
  
'Part 12'  
  
"So what do you think?" Tulienne asked, as she and Haldir idly followed the two couples. "Do you think they'll be happy?"  
  
Haldir watched Rumil pick a flower and tuck it into Ceilwyn's hair. He fought the temptation to roll his eyes. Thank the Valar he was not that far-gone.  
  
"They scarcely know each other," Haldir said.  
  
"True."  
  
"But I believe Rumil will do whatever he can to make her happy," Haldir added.  
  
"And so will Ceilwyn. Their marriage should be very . . . calm."  
  
"Unlike ours," Haldir said wryly.  
  
Tulienne grinned up at him. "I should hope not. I can't imagine anything duller. I expect my husband to get into horrendous trouble helping me in my schemes, yell until his face goes red and throw me onto the bed. Especially the last one."  
  
Haldir just about restrained himself from suggesting that they went back to his talan and got a little practise in. "I promise to do my best to satisfy you in that regard."  
  
"I'm sure you will, March Warden. I'm sure you will."  
  
"Haldir!"  
  
Haldir was disturbed from this appealing, but inevitably frustrating train of thought by Elladan's shout and looked up as he and Arwen came towards them only to see his suspiciously friendly expression.  
  
"I've been looking all over for you," Elladan said. "Listen, Tuli, Arwen and I have been talking and I've decided I need to make up to you for . . . you know, attacking you."  
  
Haldir was sorely tempted to say that beating him without breaking a sweat was quite enough payment. But then . . . they were practically family.  
  
"What had you in mind?" he asked.  
  
"We have a little tradition in Imladris . . . kind of a send off for the groom-to-be. It's normally a lot of fun. Except maybe for him."  
  
Haldir smirked, his interest caught. "That certainly sounds promising," he agreed. "What does it involve precisely?"  
  
Elladan grinned wickedly. "Come with me," he said, eyes glinting. "And I'll fill you in."  
  
Tulienne and Arwen watched them stroll off, heads bent together.  
  
"This," Arwen said quietly, "is either madness, or brilliance."  
  
Tulienne smiled. "It's amazing how often those two strengths coincide," she replied. "Besides, this is too good an opportunity to miss. Haldir should be grateful that I'm going to keep it in the family and not invite all the elleths in Lorien to witness the little display."  
  
"Or, hopefully, not so little," Arwen replied, with a saucy grin.  
  
Tulienne put an arm around her shoulders and laughed. "I couldn't have put it better myself."  
  
***  
  
Haldir saw his brothers' dubious expressions and fought hard against a smile. Rumil at least had every reason to be suspicious. Elladan's little 'tradition' could certainly prove very amusing if it went to plan.  
  
"I understand it's a sort of cleansing ceremony," he said. "Or, at least, it began that way. These days, I understand, it's a little more . . . casual."  
  
"Glorfindel told me about it," Elladan said. "Apparently he and Erestor organised one for Adar before he got married. He said it's the perfect way to relax and calm pre-wedding nerves."  
  
Orophin laughed. "He certainly needs that," he said, shooting a sideways glance at his brother. "He's absolutely terrified."  
  
"I am not," Rumil protested.  
  
He received three disbelieving looks.  
  
"Wait," Rumil said darkly. "Just wait. When you get married I'll remind you of this and I won't be even the tiniest bit sympathetic when you beg for advice."  
  
"We stand warned," Haldir said in amusement. "But I for one would enjoy a little relaxation."  
  
"What does it involve?" Orophin asked curiously.  
  
Elladan shrugged casually. "Whatever you want, basically. A whole afternoon and evening of just us men, before your bachelor days are over and you dive into the world of 'yes, dear'. I was thinking of a little archery contest, followed by some swordplay. Then, once the sun goes down, a little liquor, a little music, we cheat each other at cards and then go cool off in the lake. Nothing like a moon-lit swim to round off a great night."  
  
"It sounds like fun," Haldir agreed.  
  
"Last day of freedom, little brother," Orophin said, throwing an arm around Rumil's shoulders. "What do you say?"  
  
Rumil looked much cheered-up. "I think you're right," he said. "It'll be a nice way to take my mind off the wedding."  
  
Haldir grinned to himself. That it will, Brother, he thought. That it will.  
  
***  
  
"The stars are beautiful tonight," Orophin said, tipping his head right back as he walked along and nearly falling over backwards. "So beautiful. Especially that one."  
  
"Not a star," Rumil said, as he followed Orophin's gaze with difficulty. "Planet. Venus."  
  
"I know a rather nice poem about Venus," Elladan said, as the four of them sort of sat, sort of collapsed on the bank by the lake. "Who wants to hear it?"  
  
"Me!" Rumil shouted, giving up on sitting and letting his dizzy head plop onto the ground.  
  
"You don't know a poem," Orophin said scornfully, propping his suddenly very heavy head up on his hands. "You don't know nothing."  
  
"I do too know nothing!" Elladan said, most affronted. "I know lots of poems. Estel taught me this one. Do you want to hear it or not?"  
  
"Poem! Poem!" Rumil chanted, still prostrate on the ground.  
  
"Okay," Elladan said, clearing his throat importantly. "It goes like this. There once was a young elleth from Venus . . ."  
  
"Are there elves on Venus?" Orophin broke in. "Do they go to Valinor too? Why aren't we on Venus?"  
  
"Shut up Orophin," Haldir muttered, from his own piece of surprisingly comfortably ground. His head felt like it was about to fly off and join those elves.  
  
"As I was saying," Elladan said, glaring at Orophin. "If I may be allowed to continue. There once was a young elleth from Venus/Whose body was shaped like a . . ."  
  
He stopped. He frowned. "I can't remember the next word," he muttered.  
  
Haldir started to laugh. No, worse, he started to giggle. It didn't seem to matter much though, since the other three quickly joined in.  
  
"I think," Elladan said, getting very clumsily to his feet, "that it's time for the swim. Water looks be-oo-tiful."  
  
With considerable difficulty, he stripped off his clothes and did a rather less than graceful belly flop into the water.  
  
For a few moments, Haldir idly wondered if he was drowning, since he didn't seem to be resurfacing. Generally, though, it didn't seem to matter much if he was.  
  
Elladan's head popped up, his dark hair plastered across his face. He wiped it away with difficulty. "Is nice," he declared, head moving in something between a nod and a shake. "Come on in."  
  
"I don't wanna take my shorts off," Rumil complained, still lying on the bank. "It's cold."  
  
Elladan waded back to the edge of the lake, starting to laugh. "If you can't take them off in front of us, that cute little blond thing you're marrying is gonna be mighty disappointed tomorrow night. But don't worry, because I'm gonna be there for her. All night . . . if I don't wear her out before then."  
  
"Mordor you are," Rumil shouted, much louder than he'd meant. He seemed to be having trouble controlling the volume of his voice. He stripped off his robes as fast as possible in his somewhat uncoordinated state and dived in after Elladan. Haldir and Orophin exchanged glances. Then, figuring it really didn't matter much, they followed suit.  
  
***  
  
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Ceilwyn was saying, blushing furiously and covering her eyes with her hands.  
  
"Shhh," Salia whispered. "Be quiet and enjoy the view."  
  
"Think of it as a sneak preview of what you're getting for the rest of your immortal life," Tulienne said, grinning. "There's still time to call it off if you don't like what you see."  
  
"I can't believe I'm going to see my own brother naked," Arwen muttered. "That's just wrong."  
  
"So close your eyes!" Tulienne replied, and went back to watching.  
  
"So, just to clarify, only Elladan knows we're here, right?" Salia whispered.  
  
Tulienne nodded, her gaze never leaving Haldir. "Haldir knows Elladan's fixed it up for someone to steal Rumil's clothes while they're in the water, thus leaving him to do the traditional Imladris streak. But he doesn't realise they have an audience."  
  
"You know," Salia said slowly. "It occurs to me that if we're going to steal Rumil's clothes, we may as well take the others' as well."  
  
Tulienne and Arwen chuckled. "That, dear cousin," Tulienne said wickedly, "is precisely what we had in mind."  
  
The four fell silent as Elladan started to strip. Then four pairs of eyes widened.  
  
"Elbereth," Tulienne said, leaning forward. "Maybe I should marry him after all."  
  
"I'm never going to be able to look him in the eye again," Arwen moaned.  
  
"Shhh!" Salia hissed. "Look!"  
  
Eyes shifted to Rumil as he began to yank at the clasps on his tunic. Tulienne pulled Ceilwyn's hands away from he eyes.  
  
"None of that," she said. "You're going into this marriage with your eyes open. This time tomorrow night, it'll be just the two of you. You'll have to learn to face him sometime."  
  
Arwen let out a low whistle. "Nice," she said admiringly. "Good choice, Ceilwyn."  
  
Ceilwyn was the colour of an over-ripe strawberry. But she was still looking.  
  
"Do you think that runs in the family?" Salia asked faintly.  
  
"Here's your chance to find out," Tulienne said, as Haldir and Orophin started to follow.  
  
The four voyeuristic elleths watched in silence for a few minutes. Then . . .  
  
"Definitely does," Arwen pronounced.  
  
"Uh huh," Tulienne said breathlessly.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to marry Haldir?" Salia whispered.  
  
"I'm reconsidering," Tulienne said, her eyes glued on him.  
  
"Aren't we supposed to be stealing their clothes?" Arwen said, as the four elves started a rather disorganised game of tag in the water.  
  
"We should definitely do that," Tulienne agreed. "And while we're at it, let's go back to their talans and steal the rest of their wardrobes. Then they'll have to go naked all the time."  
  
"Tuli!" Ceilwyn exclaimed, turning shocked eyes to her cousin.  
  
"I want Orophin for my eyes only," Salia said decidedly. Then she grinned. "And after this, I'm going to make sure I get him."  
  
***  
  
Sometime later, the four wet, drunk and now rather tired elves pulled themselves out of the water and started to look for their clothes.  
  
A significant amount of Lorien's population was awoken by the strangled yell that followed their discovery. Which unfortunately meant they had quite an audience as they fled back to their respective talans.  
  
Elladan insisted ever afterwards that the others had got off easy. After all, it wasn't every day that you had to present yourself to the Lady of the Light without a stitch on. 


	13. Warming Up Cold Feet

Yoshi, that review was truly gross. Please tell me you wiped the dust off them first?  
  
156 reviews! Don't mind me, I just like to keep a record so I know what I get for each chapter.  
  
Thank you all! Finally a talent for getting laughed at comes in handy.  
  
'Part 13'  
  
Being awake hurt.  
  
In fact, it hurt a lot.  
  
"Well, it's your own fault. No one made you pour all that liquor down your throat."  
  
Haldir found himself yanked into a sitting position as Tulienne sat down on the bed beside him. She held a glass up to his lips.  
  
"Pinch your nose and drink this," she said.  
  
Too hungover to object, Haldir did. Then he nearly spat the foul-tasting liquid out again. Valar, it was like drinking orc blood mixed with mud from the dead marshes.  
  
"The wedding starts in less than four hours," Tulienne said, thoroughly unsympathetically. "In that time, I have to render you alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic and . . ." she smirked ". . . dressed."  
  
After a few moments, Haldir's fuzzy brain correctly interpreted that statement. Another brief delay followed while the appropriate command was transmitted to his spinal cord. Then he snatched the sheets, which were pooling around his hips, up to his neck.  
  
After a few more seconds, he felt utterly ridiculous for doing so. He was a grown elf, faced with the elleth he intended to marry, and he was frantically covering himself like he was an elfling whose body had just begun to mature.  
  
Tulienne grinned at him, biting her lip. "There really is no need to cover yourself, melamin," she said. "Especially since - and it pains me to have to tell you this - you treated us to quite a display last night. I hope your parents realised what a service they did elleths everywhere by providing us with three such fine male specimens."  
  
It was then that Haldir remembered what had happened the night before. Suddenly. And in agonising detail.  
  
A flood of emotions crashed through his mind. Embarrassment. Pain. A strong desire to castrate a certain heir of Elrond.  
  
And a worrying urge to enquire what her opinion of him had been.  
  
"In answer to one of your many questions," Tulienne said, moving to lie down beside him and running her hand down his cheek, "I wish it was us getting married today, so I could see you again tonight."  
  
He would have found it hard to resist temptation if he hadn't felt so truly awful.  
  
"Have some more," Tulienne said, bringing the cup back to his lips. Haldir clamped his lips shut as his eyes threw daggers at her.  
  
"This is the best hangover remedy Middle Earth has to offer," Tulienne said sternly. "It may taste terrible - although I'm amazed your taste buds are still functioning - but it works, and fast. You're not the only one. All four of you are getting this treatment this morning, providing Ceilwyn doesn't lose her nerve. If I was you, I'd just be grateful you're not Elladan. Arwen is taking care of him and I don't think she'll be wasting her best bedside manner on him. Now drink up and get up. We have work to do."  
  
Half an hour later, Haldir was washed, dressed and feeling much better. Except for the horrible taste in his mouth. Tulienne ushered him out of his talan and the two of them went slowly down the stairs to where Rumil's was.  
  
The sight that met them when they entered was the happy couple entwined in each other's arms, kissing far more closely than - as far as anyone knew - they ever had to date. They were at least dressed, although had they come in ten minutes later . . .  
  
"Sorry to interrupt," Haldir said, raising his voice a little.  
  
Rumil and Ceilwyn jumped apart, flushed guiltily and looked at the floor.  
  
Tulienne grinned at her cousin. "Wyn, when I said just be sure to get him up, that wasn't quite what I meant."  
  
"We were just . . . um . . . " Rumil said awkwardly.  
  
"Practising?" Tulienne suggested.  
  
"Getting warmed up?" Haldir offered, grinning at his brother.  
  
"Imagine," Tulienne said dryly, "six months of chaperone duty and they only start to need it a few hours before their wedding."  
  
"All right, all right," Rumil said, leading Ceilwyn to the door. "Enough joking. We should go see if Orophin is up . . . awake."  
  
"I'm starting to wonder if we should interrupt them," Tulienne said. "We might see sights not suitable for good little elves like me and Haldir."  
  
Haldir infinitely preferred the option of just not being good anymore.  
  
"Come on," Tulienne said. "And you two as well. If we leave you alone, you may not be able to get married in white after all and we don't have time to dye the gown."  
  
***  
  
Apparently Rumil's (fairly) pleasant awakening had helped keep the nerves at bay. He was absolutely fine through breakfast with his brothers, getting into his formal robes and getting to the gardens, where the wedding was being held.  
  
Haldir, Orophin and Rumil were standing together at one side of the altar, as the guests began to gather. Rumil was laughing and joking and looking nothing like the usual picture of the nervous groom, for which Haldir was extremely grateful.  
  
Then it hit. With absolutely no warning.  
  
Rumil froze. His breath suddenly started to catch in his throat. He turned an interesting shade of green.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I can't do this."  
  
Haldir and Orophin exchanged long-suffering glances over his head.  
  
"I . . . think I should . . . go."  
  
Before he had a chance, he was swiftly restrained. Haldir took one arm and Orophin took the other. And held tight.  
  
"I'm sorry, little brother," Haldir murmured into his ear, smiling around him as he did so, "we can't allow you to do that. Do not think we weren't prepared for this eventuality. If you try to run, you will be caught. And in my pocket are some restraints that you may find it very hard to explain to your future father-in-law. So it's in your best interests to calm down and look happy, because you're getting married whether you like it or not."  
  
Rumil smiled weakly as some of the colour returned to his cheeks. "Thanks," he said sheepishly. "I'm okay now, really. Just a little nervous. How much longer do we have to wait?"  
  
"Not long," Haldir said, as he spotted the procession coming towards them across the grass. "Not long at all. Brother, your bride approaches."  
  
"Yours too," Rumil replied, smiling at his brothers.  
  
Haldir sighed. "Not for six very long months."  
  
"Very, very long months," Orophin agreed.  
  
"Very, very, very long months."  
  
Rumil grinned as the wedding procession drew nearer. "Full of long, lonely nights," he said. "I, of course, get to spend all those nights with my lovely wife. Just the two of us. Alone. Doing whatever we feel like doing . . . "  
  
"Shut up, Rumil," Orophin muttered. 


	14. The Knotty Problems In Life

Annie, I certainly do take bribes. If you can get me Haldir, naked and staked out in my room, I will definitely give you that sequel. ;-) A pot of chocolate sauce and a can of whipped cream wouldn't go a miss either . . .  
  
Starting on another new story, entitled 'The Nanny'. More Haldir romance, needless to say.  
  
171 reviews. Dammit, I don't want to finish this story either!  
  
'Part 14'  
  
Ceilwyn, to the surprise of everyone concerned, did not look nervous. Not even remotely. This made Haldir instantly suspicious, and quite rightly so.  
  
He caught Tulienne's eye as the bridal procession approached. 'What did you do to her?' he mouthed.  
  
'We may have overdone the herbs a little," Tulienne mouthed back, and flashed him a grin, as Ceilwyn continued to beam at all present.  
  
The effect of the graceful walk up the aisle was somewhat spoiled when the bride fell over the hem of her dress. She didn't seem particularly bothered by this, however, just picked herself up and giggled.  
  
"Ooops!" she said brightly, and carried on as if nothing had happened.  
  
Tulienne grimaced. Haldir resisted the temptation to close his eyes and just wait for disaster to strike.  
  
On reaching the groom, who had been watching this with a look of astonishment on his face, the bride proceeded to fling her arms around him and kiss him passionately. The guests, deciding this must be part of the order of events, produced a rousing chorus of 'Awww'. Rumil - looking pleased, if somewhat taken aback - returned the kiss gently before attempting to return to the ceremony. This would have worked fine, except that Ceilwyn grabbed the back of his head and stuck her tongue halfway down his throat. And since he wasn't really expecting it, he nearly choked.  
  
By now, the crowd was starting to murmur. The murmurs increased somewhat in volume when it took both bridesmaids to separate the . . . affectionate . . . bride from the stunned, coughing groom. Rumil's expression quickly turned to fear, however, when he realised that Ceilwyn's father was glaring at him - apparently under the delusion that he had initiated the rather unorthodox display.  
  
Lord Celeborn, who was performing the ceremony, raised an eyebrow and looked questioningly at the group in front of him. Rumil gave him a weak smile and wrapped an arm around Ceilwyn's waist. All present chose to believe she was leaning on his shoulder as a gesture of affection and not because she couldn't stand up straight.  
  
As Lord Celeborn began to speak the traditional words, the company relaxed slightly. Ceilwyn seemed quite content to lean on Rumil's shoulder and remain silent. They laboured on under this delusion for about a minute.  
  
Then Ceilwyn turned her head up and gazed at her husband-to-be. "Rumil," she said, loud and clear. "Let's just go back to your talan and do this later. I can't wait to take this dress off."  
  
Her father nearly choked. So did Rumil. "Love," he said. "Are you feeling well?"  
  
"I feel great," she pronounced, gazing up at him. "But I'll feel a lot better once we're . . . "  
  
No one got to hear the end of that sentence, because Tulienne wisely clamped a hand over her cousin's mouth.  
  
"I think we need to speed this up a bit," she whispered to Lord Celeborn, who looked inclined to agree. Looking for all the world like he was trying not to laugh, Celeborn went through the rest of the ceremony, skipping everything that wasn't vitally important.  
  
It certainly made an interesting picture, since Tulienne had the sense not to remove her hand. The bride shot several dark looks at her bridesmaid and muttered things that were muffled by the hand covering her mouth, but at least the ceremony was finished without further incident.  
  
Once it was over, and the closing music struck up, Tulienne leaned to Rumil. "So, very, very sorry," she said. "We'll sort it out. Give us half an hour, don't stop smiling."  
  
And so, as the guests started to rise and prepare for the party, the bride was unceremoniously dragged back to her house to be sobered up.  
  
Rumil smiled dutifully, laughed whenever people commented on the unusual wedding and started plotting revenge on his new sister and cousin in law. Several possibilities occurred to him, but none seemed quite terrible enough. Maybe if Haldir helped . . .  
  
***  
  
Haldir was standing guard outside the marquee that had been erected for the occasion. By the time the three elleths came into sight, Ceilwyn looking rather more subdued and rather like her cheeks would be stained red for the rest of her days, Haldir had started to wonder if they were ever coming back.  
  
Tulienne left Salia to take Ceilwyn into the tent and stopped in front of him. To Haldir's surprise, she let her head lean on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.  
  
"Don't even think about telling me I've ruined their wedding," she said. "I already know."  
  
Haldir wrapped his arms around her. "You ruined nothing," he said. "Bonding ceremonies are usually dull beyond belief. I've never been to one that was so much fun."  
  
"I doubt Rumil and Ceilwyn will see it that way. They'll probably never speak to me again."  
  
Haldir tipped her face up to his, noticing how uncharacteristically vulnerable she looked. "Ceilwyn loves you too much to hold a grudge," he told her, "and Rumil has forgiven much worse. You have nothing to fear."  
  
Tulienne gazed up at him, a smile coming to her face. "Haldir," she said, some of her usual humour returning, "I think I love you."  
  
"I know I love you," Haldir whispered, and pulled her closer for a kiss.  
  
"Would one of you care to explain this?" came a strange voice from beside them.  
  
Haldir and Tulienne jumped apart, finding themselves face to face with Thronin, Tulienne's uncle.  
  
Haldir ran through several possible answers to that question, finding none that really seemed suitable. As it was, Tulienne answered.  
  
"No, I don't think we can," she said. "It just happened."  
  
"I see," Thronin said, still not sounding angry. "Just this time, or is this an ongoing thing?"  
  
Haldir and Tulienne exchanged glances. Haldir cleared his throat. "For my part," he said, "I hope it will be ongoing."  
  
"It will be," Tulienne said firmly.  
  
"In fact," Haldir said, seizing the opportunity, "I would like to ask for your permission to court Tulienne and have her hand in marriage."  
  
"She is of age," Thronin said, his tone neutral. "Her hand is hers to give. You do not need my consent."  
  
"No," Haldir agreed. "But I would like to know I have it all the same."  
  
Thronin stared at them impassively for several seconds. "Before I answer that, would either of you have any explanation for the events of today?" he said at length.  
  
"It was my fault," Tulienne said immediately. "Wyn has been so nervous that I thought I'd give her something to calm her nerves. It was wrong and I'm sorry."  
  
"You have caused nothing but trouble since you came to my house."  
  
"I have, sir."  
  
"Because of you, I have lost one of my precious daughters today."  
  
"Indeed, sir."  
  
"In a ceremony that will not soon be forgotten."  
  
"I know, sir."  
  
Thronin came forward and took Tulienne's hands in his own. "And I will miss you terribly when I lose you too."  
  
If Tulienne was stunned, it was nothing to how Haldir felt.  
  
"Haldir, you have my consent and my blessing. I only hope you realise what kind of wife you are getting."  
  
"I do," Haldir said, starting to smile. "I would not have her any other way."  
  
Thronin embraced Tulienne and Haldir. "We must return to the celebration," he said. "But you are free to announce your courtship any time you wish. Perhaps this evening, even."  
  
As Thronin led the way back into the tent, Haldir turned to Tulienne.  
  
"Did you put herbs in his tea as well?" he murmured.  
  
Tulienne gave a small smile. "Maybe a pinch."  
  
That would account for it. 


	15. The Naked Elf Treatment

This is THE END. Complete with suitable shippiness.  
  
181 reviews. Thanks to everyone who has been with me for this story. It's been great having you along for the (bumpy) ride.  
  
Edit: In fact, not THE END. See next chapter.  
  
'Part 15'  
  
Haldir just about muffled a squeak and dropped his eyes to the tablecloth as the blush spread from the tip of his ears to his neckline and below. Beside him, Tulienne smiled mischievously and let her hand continue its journey. Her actions were innocent enough perhaps, but not when he was so peculiarly sensitive to her touch.  
  
". . . and I know my life will be immeasurably improved by having her share it," Rumil finished, gazing down at his wife from where he stood.  
  
"Aye!" Orophin shouted, from his seat around the large dining table. "At least that wrist injury might finally have time to fully heal!"  
  
Rumil flushed bright red and shot a murderous glare at his brother as the guests burst out laughing. Haldir would have joined in, if he hadn't been so . . .distracted. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Ah, Elbereth, when was she going to stop?!  
  
"As I was saying," Rumil said, continuing his speech as wickedness flashed into his eyes. "I am in fact *doubly* blessed in my choice of wife, since our bond will be strengthened still further when my excellent wit of a brother is wedded to her sister."  
  
Orophin's face blanched and he stared in horror at Rumil. Slowly, he forced himself to turn to Thronin.  
  
"Your family seems to have made it their mission to remove my family from me," Thronin said dryly.  
  
"I do not seek to remove Salia from your family," Orophin said nervously. "Rather to join it with her. If you will give us your consent."  
  
Salia turned pleading eyes to her father, who met them with a look of resignation. "Yes," Thronin answered. "I will yield to the inevitable. Clearly our families are destined to merge, although I would prefer it had I not been asked to give up three in one day."  
  
Rumil and Orophin exchanged glances. "Three?" Rumil asked curiously.  
  
She stopped. Oh, blessed Valar, she stopped. Haldir breathed a sigh of relief and started to work very hard at quelling his body's reaction to those teasing hands.  
  
"Haldir has already asked for my consent for him and Tulienne to be joined," Thronin said, what might have been a flash of humour showing in his eyes. "And I have given it."  
  
The table fell silent as all eyes turned to Haldir.  
  
"Is this serious?" Rumil choked out. "You have really chosen each other? After everything you have said?"  
  
Tulienne grinned at them. "We have," she said. "Strictly to complete the set, you understand. Not to mention that he has certain . . . assets, which I am sure I will come to appreciate. No doubt you know what I'm talking about. Indeed, if he were to stand up just now, you would have very little doubt."  
  
Haldir's head snapped round to her. She couldn't have just said what he thought she'd said.  
  
A slow grin spread over the faces of his two brothers as they caught on.  
  
"You know," Orophin said, pasting a look of mock confusion across his features. "I don't think I understand what you mean. Maybe Haldir *does* need to stand up."  
  
"Strictly to alleviate our confusion, you understand," Rumil added.  
  
Haldir, if it was possible, flushed even brighter and remained – unfortunately still rigid – in his seat.  
  
"Come on, brother," Rumil taunted. "There is no reason why you shouldn't. Besides, I think it is now time for the final toast and all shall rise."  
  
All the guests at the table stood up and Haldir was forced to follow suit, surreptitiously trying to pull his tunic a little further down at the front as he did so. It didn't work, so he was forced to stand through the longest toast on record, cheeks burning with humiliation. He would never, ever live this down.  
  
And the cause of it was standing beside him, trembling with mirth.  
  
"You will be severely punished for this," Haldir told her in a fierce whisper.  
  
The evil elleth turned to him and gave him a look of such scorching lust that any hope of his predicament being eased went flying straight out of the marquee. "You promise?" she whispered back.  
  
Haldir swallowed hard. And vowed revenge.  
  


* * *

  
By the time day had faded into night, most of the guests had trailed away. Haldir had received much ribbing from his brothers and had devoted several hours to scowling at everyone who so much as smiled in his direction. At present Tulienne was seated on his lap, her hands carefully restrained in his, not even remotely repentant.  
  
Well, he'd soon see about that.  
  
Haldir transferred both her hands to one of his and slowly began to stroke her hair as they sat comfortably together. And, by pure coincidence of course, began to lightly brush her ear at the same time. He heard a slight hitch in her breath, and smiled.  
  
"So, the festival really did get you together," Orophin said. "We won!"  
  
"You did not win," Haldir retorted. "We came together despite all your 'help', not because of it. Isn't that right, melamin?"  
  
"Uh huh," Tulienne said, slightly breathless.  
  
"Even so, I can't believe it's happened. What do you see in him anyway?" Orophin pressed.  
  
"Um . . . well . . . " Tulienne said dazedly. "Um . . ."  
  
"You seem to be having trouble gathering your thoughts, my love," Haldir said innocently. "Too much wine, perhaps?"  
  
"No doubt," Tulienne forced out, then bit her lip hard as Haldir's fingers grew more bold.  
  
"Are you alright?" Orophin asked, looking concerned.  
  
"Perfect!"  
  
Fortunately for Tulienne, Rumil saved her from further questioning by yawning loudly. "Well," he said, stretching, "it's getting pretty late."  
  
"The sun is scarcely down," Haldir said, grinning. "Clearly you are eager to retire to bed tonight, my brother."  
  
Rumil flushed. Not that it made any difference, since everyone knew the truth of the words anyway.  
  
"Actually," Ceilwyn said hesitantly. "I am quite tired. It's been an . . . eventful day."  
  
"Well, that's settled then," Rumil said brightly, jumping up with unseemly haste and pulling her with him. "My bride wishes it. See you in the morning."  
  
And they vanished. At a curiously fast pace for two supposedly very tired elves.  
  
"Come, my love," Orophin said, with a single glance after them. "Let us take a walk. And then I think I must speak to your father and undo some of the damage this wedding has caused."  
  
As soon as they were alone, Tulienne swivelled sharply round and gave Haldir a murderous glare.  
  
"I did promise to punish you," Haldir told her sweetly.  
  
"I think you need to be taught a lesson yourself, March Warden," she retorted.  
  
Haldir found himself unceremoniously shoved back onto the ground and a moment later those talented fingers were stroking his ear tips and those soft lips were on his and he wanted nothing more than to be punished most severely every day for the rest of his life.  
  
But somehow the teasing mood changed without him realising it had began to. And then he was just kissing her, suddenly terribly conscious of the soft body against his and of everything he wanted so very, very badly.  
  
He couldn't restrain a soft moan of protest when she broke the kiss, leaning her elbows on his chest and raising her head to look at him.  
  
"Haldir," Tulienne said, her voice unsteady. "There's something I need to tell you. And something I want to ask you."  
  
Personally, Haldir thought it would be better if she'd chosen a time when his thought patterns were a little more coherent.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, trying to slow down his breathing.  
  
"Just that I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you," Tulienne said, gazing into his eyes. "And I haven't stopped. When I was insulting you, when I pulled your hair, when I pasted pink streamers to your spare arrows for the tornament, when I told the most gossiping elleths in Lorien that you wore lacy underwear. Always."  
  
"And I have wanted you since the first moment I saw you," Haldir replied, filing away all those incidents to be dealt with at a later time. "When I was insulting you, when I hinted to my wardens that you were in love with Lord Celeborn, when I watched you bathe. Always."  
  
"When was that?" Tulienne asked, startled.  
  
Haldir smiled. "You cannot have imagined that no one knows of your penchant for bathing in the outdoors."  
  
"And exactly how many of your wardens did you tell about that?"  
  
"None. And I did not return, although I desired to."  
  
Tulienne looked suspiciously at him for a moment, then her expression relaxed somewhat.  
  
"My point is, Haldir," she said slowly, "that we have waited three years already for each other. Which brings me to what I want to ask you." She licked her lips, suddenly looking nervous. "And that is . . . if you will bind yourself to me tonight?"  
  
"Six months' of courtship is required before . . ."  
  
"I didn't mean in name."  
  
"Oh," Haldir said. Then realisation slowly dawned. "Oh . . . "  
  
A flush was creeping up Tulienne's face as she looked down at his chest. "I know we should wait – and I don't want you to think any less of me. I've never . . . before, but I'm not a penneth like my cousins, I am over three thousand years old and I've waited a long time for you- and I doubt we'd be the first to break that particular convention and . . ."  
  
Haldir silenced her with a kiss that rapidly deepened, sending spirals of desire through his body.  
  
"I think no less of you, for I longed to suggest the same thing," he told her, when he forced himself to break away. "And if you are certain, I will not deny you. Not when my heart is already bound to yours."  
  
"And mine to yours."  
  
Tulienne got to her feet, pulling him up after her before he had a chance to make a sound of protest.  
  
"I think I should walk you home, March Warden," she said. "There could be many dangerous elleths walking around this time of night who would do unconscionable things to you. And I'm determined to be the first."  
  
"And last. The only"  
  
"On Arda and in Valinor."  
  
"Through all the ages."  
  
Tulienne grinned at him. "That is, if we don't kill each other first."  
  
"So long as we go to the Halls of Mandos together."  
  
Tulienne's laugh rang out as they walked hand in hand to his talan and were bound. 


	16. After Some Reflection

I know I said it was finished. I was wrong. The plot bunnies have changed their minds. That is plot bunnies' prerogative.  
  
The road goes ever onward . . .  
  
'Part 16'  
  
The warm body in his arms shifted and stirred and Haldir smiled.  
  
"Good morning," he said to her.  
  
Tulienne smiled and turned over, resting her head on his chest. "It certainly is," she agreed. "And it was an even better night."  
  
Haldir knew he had a silly grin on his face, but unfortunately even his formidable will power couldn't seem to remove it. Clearly the answer was to find something else to do with his mouth.  
  
"Haldir," Tulienne whispered, as his lips slowly caressed her neck, "we should get up. It's getting late."  
  
"Everyone will rise late after the wedding," Haldir told her. "It is expected."  
  
"It is expected for the bride and groom to rise late," Tulienne corrected. "And us to rise early so that we can comment on how long they stayed in bed. I'm afraid, my love, that if we emerge from your talan after them, yawning and looking more than a little worse for wear, people will start to talk."  
  
"Let them," Haldir said happily. "I don't care who knows."  
  
"Not your wardens?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Not your brothers?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"Not my uncle?"  
  
"Not even him," Haldir declared, chest swelling in a fit of bravado. "If he were to knock on the door of my talan right now and demand to know where you are, I would say 'she is here and here she will stay'."  
  
Due to either divine intervention or just extreme irony, at that moment came the sound of a fist on Haldir's door and Thronin's rough voice shouting "Haldir!"  
  
Haldir's life flashed before his eyes. His face went as white as Galadriel's robes. His limbs stopped functioning.  
  
"You were saying?" the smirking elleth beside him said.  
  
"I'll handle this," Haldir said, trying to regain a few shreds of his dignity and forcing himself to sit up and dress.  
  
Tulienne rolled off the bed and went to retrieve her gown from where it had landed the night before. "You know," she said. "What you really need right now is some kind of armoured underwear – to prevent damage to those areas most at risk in this little encounter."  
  
"Haldir!" came the voice again.  
  
"What am I going to do?" Haldir asked in a whisper.  
  
"Lie," Tulienne answered promptly. "Lie like you have never lied before. Just do not, under any circumstances, tell him that I have ever set foot in this talan."  
  
"That's a great help."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Squaring his shoulders, Haldir strode into battle.  
  
"Good morning," Thronin said, in a suspiciously friendly voice. "I seem to have misplaced my niece. You wouldn't happen to have seen her, would you?"  
  
"No," Haldir said, praying to the Valar he wouldn't blush. "Not since . . ."  
  
Thirty seconds ago.  
  
". . . we parted last night."  
  
Which was about five in the morning. For about ten minutes.  
  
"Ah," Thronin said. "It's just . . . I could have sworn I heard voices."  
  
"Yes . . . that was me," Haldir said, starting to get dizzy. "I . . . talk to myself when I'm dressing."  
  
Even to his own ears, it sounded like he was mad.  
  
"Presumably so you remember what goes where?" Thronin said, dead-pan.  
  
"Yes," Haldir agreed.  
  
After all, it was better to be branded insane than to be branded with a red- hot iron.  
  
"So you have no idea where she is?"  
  
"Maybe she's bathing," Haldir suggested desperately. Anything to get his future father-in-law off his doorstep and far, far away.  
  
"Bathing?"  
  
"Yes, bathing. She likes to bathe in the pools out towards the southern border."  
  
"Interesting," Thronin said, nodding thoughtfully. "And how do you know this exactly?"  
  
"Because I saw . . ." Haldir started to say. "Because she told me so," he hastily corrected himself, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead.  
  
"Why did she tell you?"  
  
Was that a trick question?  
  
"Well . . . in case I wanted to find her."  
  
"When she would be bathing in private, without her clothes?"  
  
Oh, dear.  
  
"Only in case of emergency," he offered.  
  
"Ah," Thronin agreed. "That would account for it."  
  
Haldir hastily suppressed a sigh of relief.  
  
"She may well be bathing then," Thronin said. "I shall wait for her to return to the talan."  
  
"Good," Haldir said, starting to relax. "I mean . . . that seems best."  
  
"Just one question."  
  
Haldir froze again.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Isn't that Tulienne's cloak?"  
  
Haldir followed his gaze to the sofa, which indeed had her cloak lying over the back of it. He very nearly said a very rude word.  
  
"It's mine," he said.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes, really."  
  
"I never thought pink was your colour."  
  
Haldir gulped. "Rumil dyed it. It was a joke."  
  
"And I could have sworn that was her broach pinned to it."  
  
The little elanor blossom couldn't have belonged to anyone else.  
  
"She gave it to me," Haldir said, concealing his trembling hands behind his back. "It was a gift."  
  
"That was very nice of her."  
  
"I thought so."  
  
"Well, it's good we got that cleared up," Thronin said amiably. "But if you do happen to see her, let her know I was looking for her."  
  
"I will," Haldir said, a little too eagerly, as he tried to resist the temptation to hustle Thronin out of there.  
  
"Goodbye, then," Thronin said, as he started down the stairs.  
  
"Bye," Haldir said, greatly relieved, as he started to close the door behind him.  
  
"Oh, Haldir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"That's a very fine mirror you have."  
  
Haldir's brow puckered in confusion.  
  
"Thank you," he said uncertainly.  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
As Thronin disappeared down the staircase, Haldir shut the door and leant on it, trying to fathom what could have prompted that strange comment.  
  
Then he glanced over at his bedchamber door. And knew.  
  
Visible from where Thronin had been standing was the full-length mirror Orophin had gifted him with (accompanied by unpleasing comments about his grooming habits) on his last begetting day celebration. And reflected in that mirror was Tulienne.  
  
Haldir's life flashed before his eyes again. Frankly it was rather dull. Staring at patches of trees seemed to feature even more heavily this time round. Target practise was also a major feature. Only the bits with Tulienne in really seemed to be worth watching.  
  
There was just one thing he didn't quite understand.  
  
If Thronin had known Tulienne was here, why wasn't he dead yet?  
  
Haldir started to hyperventilate.  
  
"Haldir, calm down," Tulienne said, striding across and grabbing his shoulders. "Haldir!"  
  
Haldir's panic attack was brought to an abrupt conclusion when Tulienne slapped his face. Hard.  
  
"Was that really necessary?" he said, when he caught his breath again.  
  
"Yes. You looked like you were going to pass out. What in the Golden Wood are you getting in such a flap about? He's gone. We're safe. You can relax."  
  
"He knew you were here," Haldir gulped out. "He saw you reflected in the mirror. I'll be dead by the end of the day. He's just biding his time. He'll probably tie me naked to one of the targets on the archery range and have my own wardens shoot Mordor arrows into my most sensitive areas whilst my hair is set on fire and I'm being eaten alive by killer ants."  
  
Tulienne blinked. "You know, you really have quite an imagination," she said. "Remind me to exploit that at some point. But for now, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit melodramatic?"  
  
"You didn't see his face," Haldir said, shivering. "He was . . . smiling."  
  
"Unusual, I'll admit, but not necessarily a cause for panic."  
  
"But he looked as if he didn't even mind that I spent last night . . .well . . . "  
  
"Devouring me like a starving warg?" Tulienne suggested.  
  
Haldir went pink. "That," he agreed.  
  
"Well, maybe he really doesn't mind. Or maybe those herbs just haven't worn off yet."  
  
"Or maybe it's all part of a carefully constructed plan to lull me into a false sense of security before luring me to my death."  
  
Tulienne regarded him impassively for several seconds. "Have you always been this much of a drama queen?" she asked finally. "Or is this new? You have fought wargs, orcs, uruk-hai and Eru knows what else – we're just talking about one elf."  
  
"Who will not rest until his task is completed."  
  
"Haldir," Tulienne said gently. "I want you to listen to me very carefully. You. Have. Lost. Your. Mind. Come and have some breakfast and we'll reschedule the rest of this panic attack for later."  
  
Haldir allowed himself to be led to, and seated at, the table, muttering generally incoherent phrases from which only 'I'm dead', 'no escape' and 'all is lost' were distinguishable. Tulienne rolled her eyes and stuck a piece of fruit into his mouth.  
  
"Morning, Hal," Orophin said cheerfully, walking in without knocking. "It's practically noon. Aren't you coming to knock on Rumil's door and . . . "  
  
He stopped. He stared.  
  
"Morning, Tulienne," he said uncertainly. "I . . . didn't expect to see you here. Wearing the same robe as you were wearing yesterday. Only more crumpled. Um . . . is there something I should know?"  
  
"Only that the sight would have been much more disturbing if you'd come in a few hours ago," Tulienne said flatly.  
  
"Oh," Orophin said, shifting from one foot to the other and looking as if he didn't have the first clue what to do with himself. "Oh, right. So, I guess that means you . . .um . . . "  
  
"Yes, Orophin. Haldir and I spent the night together, in his bed, doing everything you're imagining right now. He's a very talented elf who took me to Mandos and back over and over and over again," Tulienne said, matter- of-factly. "And now we've cleared that up, can we focus on the fact that he's having a nervous breakdown?"  
  
"Why?" Orophin asked faintly, obviously still very much focused on that last speech.  
  
"Thronin is going to kill me," Haldir announced, as he swallowed the last of his fruit.  
  
Orophin nodded. "Yes, I can believe that."  
  
"He came here this morning," Haldir went on, nervously tapping the table as he spoke. "He knows Tulienne stayed here. And now he's going to tie me to . . ."  
  
"I don't think Orophin needs to know what your feverish imagination has come up with," Tulienne interrupted.  
  
"Will you help me?" Haldir pleaded. "Keep him away from me? Watch him in case he tries anything?"  
  
Orophin folded his arms. "I don't see why I get to spend the day catering to your paranoid whims," he said grumpily. "Not when I'm the only one who spent last night alone. Whoever said being good was its own reward was kidding themselves."  
  
"It's only six months to your wedding," Tulienne pointed out.  
  
"Oh aye, that makes me feel so much better. Six months of the four of you mating like rabbits while I get kissed on the cheek."  
  
Haldir finally calmed down enough to grin. "You have my deepest sympathies, brother."  
  
"Oh, shut up, Haldir. Anyway, since I don't see the elficidal maniac around here anyplace, are you coming to wake up Rumil?"  
  
"They probably got up before we did," Tulienne said.  
  
"Aye," Orophin said, shooting them both dark looks. "They probably did." 


	17. Kiss, Tell, Regret Bitterly

This is what happens when I come home from work, sit down at my computer and decide not to get up again until I have written a new chapter.  
  
This part makes several references to Part 5: Haldir and Tulienne do the Balcony Scene. If you haven't read it in a while, you might want to check back. Here is where you find out exactly what Haldir did when he tried Celeborn's special label wine. ;-)  
  
Also, for further details of the lembas song that Rumil refers to, see 'The Naked Elf Treatment' by sophiamoon on aff.net. But only if you have some spare leggings handy and aren't offended by slash.  
  
217 reviews!  
  
'Part 17'  
  
Orophin put his hand on the door handle, stopped, pulled his hand back and knocked instead.  
  
"Come in."  
  
Orophin, Haldir and Tulienne pushed open the door and went in, finding the bridal couple sitting at the breakfast table fully dressed and smiling.  
  
Haldir and Tulienne smiled back.  
  
Rumil and Ceilwyn smiled more.  
  
"I hate my life," Orophin grunted moodily.  
  
"And I love my wife," Rumil said happily, leaning over the table to give his bride what was obviously about the millionth kiss of the morning. "Marriage is a wonderful invention."  
  
"And I hate you," Orophin added, glaring at him. He shot a dark glance at Haldir. "But I hate him more. At least you're allowed to be happy. Not like Mr 'we've only been a couple for two days, but why not' over here."  
  
Rumil looked at Haldir in confusion. "Did that make any sense to you?" he asked.  
  
Tulienne rolled her eyes. "Orophin is jealous that he's the only one who didn't get lucky last night, that's all."  
  
Rumil's eyebrow disappeared into his hairline. "Ohhhhhh," he said slowly. Then he grinned at Haldir. "Shameful behaviour," he said. "You should be setting a good example for your innocent younger brother over there."  
  
"Fine," Orophin muttered. "Rub it in. See if I care. But don't expect me to run around watching out for arrows with your name on them."  
  
"What?" Rumil asked.  
  
"Haldir thinks my uncle is going to try and kill him," Tulienne explained.  
  
"And he's probably right," Ceilwyn said.  
  
Everyone looked at her in surprise and she blushed.  
  
"Well, you know how he is," she said. "When I told Salia Rumil had kissed me for the first time, Adar went out in a black cloak with a kitchen knife and didn't come back for an hour."  
  
"I told you that was him!" Orophin exclaimed. "That's two dozen new arrows you owe me."  
  
"Fine, fine," Rumil said, shrugging. "I'll do them the next time we're at the borders."  
  
Realisation replaced Haldir's formally highly confused expression. "Was that why you suddenly appeared on my doorstep shaking like a field mouse and insisted we stay up all night playing cards?"  
  
Rumil blushed from ear tip to ear tip. "I was not shaking. And that was just brotherly bonding."  
  
"You were shaking," Orophin said firmly. "And one does not generally appear for a session of brotherly bonding dressed in only one's bathrobe."  
  
"There is nothing wrong with popping up to see your own brothers dressed in a bathrobe. There isn't even anything wrong with popping out into Lorien in your bathrobe. Not after Haldir . . ."  
  
"No!" Haldir interrupted hastily.  
  
"What?" Tulienne asked, great interest registering on her features.  
  
"It's nothing," Rumil said, eyes twinkling.  
  
"Just a little story Haldir doesn't like people telling," Orophin said, cheering up.  
  
"Even though everybody knows it by heart anyway."  
  
"It's really not that interesting," Haldir said desperately, as his future bride left his side and joined the ones he wished he wasn't related to.  
  
"Of course not," Rumil agreed. "Just a silly little story."  
  
"Involving a large quantity of Celeborn's special label wine and a truly inspired revenge by a certain Prince of Mirkwood that resulted in Haldir . . ."  
  
Haldir clamped his hand over Orophin's mouth.  
  
". . . butt naked in front of half of Lorien, with 'give it to me, baby' written on his chest, singing an obscene song about a curiously shaped piece of lembas," Rumil finished.  
  
Tulienne grinned at Haldir as he went a fetching shade of magenta. "I'm sorry I missed that," she said. "No wonder you're a little sensitive about stripping off – although you seemed to get past it last night. But what I'd like to know is why exactly this Prince of Mirkwood wanted revenge on you?"  
  
Haldir shook his head desperately as his brothers chuckled. "It's really not important," he tried to say.  
  
Tulienne turned to Orophin. "Spill," she said. "What did Haldir do to him?"  
  
"Oh, nothing," Orophin said, now grinning widely.  
  
"Hardly anything at all really," Rumil agreed.  
  
"I guess he's just not a very good kisser."  
  
"I DIDN'T KISS HIM!" Haldir shouted.  
  
"He definitely did," Orophin told Tulienne.  
  
"We were there," Rumil said. "And we have unimpeachable witnesses. Lord Celeborn saw the whole thing."  
  
Tulienne turned back to Haldir and raised one eyebrow. Haldir shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Alright, I may have kissed him," he admitted, in a small voice. "But I didn't mean to. It was an accident."  
  
"Interesting accident," Tulienne said, folding her arms. "Explanation please."  
  
"I was very, very, very drunk."  
  
"That's your explanation?" she demanded.  
  
"It's the only one I have," Haldir protested. "I don't remember anything else."  
  
"Then explain why you said I was your first kiss?"  
  
Haldir wished fervently to be somewhere else. It didn't work.  
  
"Well, I didn't think he really counted," he said lamely.  
  
"I think he counts," Tulienne said. She glanced over at Ceilwyn. "You've met him, does he count?"  
  
"Definitely," Ceilwyn said, nodding.  
  
"Is he attractive?" Tulienne asked.  
  
"Very," Ceilwyn confirmed.  
  
Tulienne turned back to Haldir. "He counts," she said decidedly. "You have now officially lied to me. You have twenty four hours to think up a really good way to make this up to me."  
  
"What if I don't think of anything?" Haldir said nervously.  
  
Tulienne smiled dangerously. "Well, let's put it this way. His revenge will be nothing compared to mine."  
  
Haldir gulped.  
  
Perhaps marrying into this family was not such a good idea after all.  
  
***  
  
"What did you do to Haldir?" Arwen asked, as Tulienne helped her load up her horse for their departure.  
  
"A lot more than he deserved," Tulienne replied grimly. "But don't worry, I intend to rectify that shortly if he doesn't make it up to me."  
  
"What did he do?"  
  
"Have you ever met the Prince of Mirkwood?" Tulienne demanded.  
  
Arwen looked curiously at her. "Which one?" she asked.  
  
"There's more than one?"  
  
"Yes, there's three. Why?"  
  
"Are any of them very good looking and come across as the kind of elf who would exact imaginative revenge for unwanted advances, even when drunk?"  
  
"Oh, you mean Legolas," Arwen said instantly. "You should have seen what he did to Elladan last summer after he . . . I suppose I shouldn't tell that story. I promised Elli I'd never speak of it again."  
  
"Write to me," Tulienne said. "But this Legolas, what's he like?"  
  
"Body made by a Valar, face by Glorfindel, sense of humour by Elrond."  
  
"Beautiful, but dangerous."  
  
"Very, very beautiful and dangerous, yes. But only if you really get on his bad side."  
  
"Arwen," Tulienne said, tightening the strap on the last bag. "I'm going to ask you a question and I want an honest answer."  
  
"Right, what is it?"  
  
"Do you think he's better looking that me?"  
  
Arwen blinked several times. "Who?"  
  
"This Legolas of the Valar."  
  
"Well," Arwen said slowly. "I can't say that this is a question I've thought about in depth. It's a little hard to compare you two. After all, you're an elleth and he's . . . not. Um, should I ask why you want to know this?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Right. I'll just work on the basis that you've gone mad."  
  
"Whatever. Is he better looking than me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Tulienne pulled a face at her. "You're not supposed to say that," she said grouchily.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, but he is. He's the Valar's gift to the elleths of Arda and you're just a thorn in Haldir's side."  
  
"Fabulous," Tulienne muttered. "Nowhere in any of the fairy tales was it mentioned that the heroine would be *left* for the handsome prince."  
  
"What?" Arwen asked, quite certain she had heard wrong.  
  
"Nothing," Tulienne said. "Come on, you're late leaving already and you need a good start towards Imladris before dark." 


	18. Making Up Is Surprisingly Easy

230 reviews!  
  
Sorry it took a while again to update. I spent most of the week writing another new fic, then I was browsing on elffic.com and came across the Mary Sue Litmus Test. It scored just a little too high for my liking. Then I started another, but I can't decide where to go with it . . . I have about ten beginnings. I'm very good at starting things.  
  
'Part 18'  
  
"So you think it was a mistake then?" Salia asked, settling herself down on Tulienne's bedchamber floor.  
  
"Yes," Tulienne said firmly. "It was a mistake. Just a very, very, very enjoyable mistake."  
  
"If it was that enjoyable, then surely it wasn't a mistake?"  
  
"It can be a mistake and still feel good. Haldir just does feel good. And smell good. And . . ."  
  
"Taste good?" Salia suggested.  
  
Tulienne stared at her. "I don't believe you just said that."  
  
Salia looked a bit surprised herself. She blushed.  
  
"That's private," Tulienne told her sharply.  
  
"I know."  
  
"It's completely inappropriate for you to say such a thing."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Even though it's true."  
  
"Ah."  
  
A dull blush started to creep up Tulienne's face. "I mean, not that I've had a chance to conduct a thorough exploration as yet, but . . . " She stopped. "You know what, this conversation should end. Now."  
  
"Right," Salia said, hugging her knees to her chest and leaning back against Tulienne's bed. "What would you like to talk about instead?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," Tulienne said, picking up her water glass. "Just say something, anything, that will make me forget about Haldir."  
  
"I'm thinking about sleeping with Orophin."  
  
Tulienne nearly choked on a mouthful of water and started coughing violently. "What?" she wheezed finally. "Why? When?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Salia said, winding strands of hair around her fingers. "It's just that . . . well, you seem to think it's great. And since Wyn didn't come running back to us in the middle of the night, it must have been pretty good for her too and . . ."  
  
"Are you mad?" Tulienne interrupted. "Have you forgotten the whole of this conversation already? I've just told you what a horrendous mistake it was for me to . . . well, you know . . . with Haldir, due to my now discovering that his first love is a) not me b) male c) still single d) a prince and e) better looking than me. And that's not even an exhaustive list. Don't even think about it. Keep your legs crossed and your gown on until you're his wife and you can really make him suffer if he screws you over."  
  
"Actually, I think you're the one who's mad," Salia shot back. "You're about to completely overreact and wreck things with Haldir over one drunken kiss that happened four centuries before you even met him."  
  
"That's not the point."  
  
"What is the point?"  
  
"That he lied to me!"  
  
"Well, he hates remembering it, wouldn't you? And isn't that enough to convince you that you haven't got competition? Even if Legolas did come back to Lorien – and he probably never will – Haldir's more likely to spend the visit trying to kill him than in rekindling a romance that exists only in *your* imagination."  
  
Tulienne regarded her uncertainly for a few seconds. "So you think I should just forget about it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Never mention it again."  
  
"Definitely. And apologise to Haldir for getting jealous."  
  
"I'm not jealous," Tulienne said flatly. "Not in the least."  
  
"Fine, what would you call it?" Salia demanded, folding her arms and glaring at her cousin.  
  
Several minutes went by while Tulienne searched her vocabulary. Finally she gave up and her shoulders slumped. "Jealous," she admitted quietly. "It's finally happened, I've turned into one of those elleths who burst into tears every time their lovers glance at another maiden. A couple more days and I'll probably be trailing him all over Lorien and bribing his wardens to spy on him. I loathe myself. I'm insane, I'm pathetic, I'm . . ."  
  
"In love," Salia finished, trying not to laugh. "In your own unique way."  
  
Tulienne frowned. "Do you think Haldir finds jealously unattractive?" she asked.  
  
Salia shot her a disbelieving look. Tulienne pulled a face. "Please don't ever tell anyone I asked that."  
  
"Of course not," Salia promised, grinning. "After all, if Orophin finds out that insanity runs in the family, he might have second thoughts about marrying me."  
  
"He shouldn't worry," Tulienne said wryly. "I get it from my father, believe me. It's Haldir who needs to worry."  
  
"So you don't think he's going to elope with the perfect prince?"  
  
"No," Tulienne said resolutely. "I have now realised the error I made and will henceforth only worry about things that are actually likely to happen."  
  
"Good," Salia said. "Haldir would never leave Lorien anyway."  
  
Tulienne looked uncertain. "But that's not the point, is it?"  
  
Salia grinned and hugged her cousin. "Of course not," she said. "Just kidding."  
  
"So," Tulienne said, when she was released. "I guess I'm supposed to go apologise to Haldir now. Do you think I should take flowers?"  
  
"Well, you could," Salia agreed. "But I'm sure you could come up with a few things he'd like more."  
  
***  
  
Having made all his preparations, Haldir was now relaxing and remembering his father's advice about elleths.  
  
Haldir had often wondered as a young elf why his father had married the elleth he had. He had adored his mother of course, but as he had approached his majority he had begun to realise what a strange match they were. His father had, after all, been Marchwarden himself before he and his wife had left for Valinor, and had demanded - and received - unswerving devotion and unquestioning obedience from all his wardens. With his wife, however, things had been different. Very different.  
  
Haldir vividly recalled one day, coming home from the archery ranges and finding his father putting the finishing touches to a dinner much like the one he had just cooked. Fresh flowers had been on the table and Haldir had found that he and his brothers were to spend the night with friends. Haldir had not been in the least worried by this, as it was a situation that arose frequently in their house. His father was apologising.  
  
On this occasion, however, he had finally gathered the courage to ask a question that had plagued his mind for quite some time. That question being why his father seemed to apologise all the time, even when he had clearly been right.  
  
His father had smiled at him as he had handed Haldir his small overnight bag. "Son," he had said. "Let me give you some valuable advice about marriage. No matter how much you love your wife, you will always have fights. Sometimes you will be right and sometimes she will be. But son, the fight will never end until you admit that she is right. So it saves much energy just to apologise anyway."  
  
At the time, Haldir had decided that if he ever got married – unlikely of course, since maidens were all *such* a nuisance – his wife would be the one apologising to him. And he had told his father that. His father had laughed. A lot.  
  
On balance, he was actually quite glad that his father couldn't see him now.  
  
He heard the knock on his door and sent a silent prayer to the Valar that it was actually Tulienne and not one of his brothers come to make insulting comments on the flower arrangements. And for once, he got his wish.  
  
Tulienne was sniffing the air. "What's that?" she asked.  
  
"Dinner."  
  
Now she was staring at him. "You cooked? You know *how* to cook?"  
  
Haldir wasn't sure whether to feel amused or insulted. "How did you imagine I'd been feeding myself for the last few millennia?"  
  
Tulienne shifted uncomfortably. "I just assumed you ate in the mess halls with the other wardens."  
  
"I do sometimes, but other times I want a home cooked meal. And I actually find cooking quite relaxing." Haldir frowned. "But please don't tell either of my brothers that or they'll be here for every meal."  
  
"Ah," Tulienne said. "So this is just for you, then?"  
  
"Actually I meant it for both of us. To apologise."  
  
"Oh," Tulienne said, looking rather nonplussed. "Actually . . . I came here to apologise to *you*. But I didn't cook. Because I can't. So I'm very glad you did, because I'm hungry."  
  
"You came here to apologise?" Haldir repeated in disbelief. That couldn't be right. He'd seen this scene play countless times and never once had it involved apologies on both sides. Of course, he had usually been sent away before the end.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Tulienne gave him a strange look. "Because I was wrong."  
  
Now what was he supposed to do? This wasn't in the script. He would have to wing it.  
  
"I shouldn't have lied to you," he told her. "It's just . . . it really doesn't rank as one of my favourite memories."  
  
"I overreacted," Tulienne said. "I got a little . . .jealous. I would have warned you I was the jealous type, but I didn't really know I was because I never had anyone to get jealous about before. So we're both right. Or we're both wrong. Either way, I don't think you need to apologise." She paused. "But that smells really good, so can we eat it anyway? I'll provide dessert."  
  
"I thought you said you couldn't cook?"  
  
"Indeed," Tulienne agreed, sliding her arms up around Haldir's neck. "But I don't recall mentioning anything about cooking." 


	19. Wicked Bad News

Sorry for the wait, and for this long transitional chapter. Bear with me, I'm hoping to have much more fun once I add a certain King and his demonic offspring to the mix. ;-)  
  
Incidentally, according to the Mary Sue Litmus Test, Tulienne is one. Borderline, but still in there. She (and the other character I mentioned) both scored around 30.  
  
I've had several comments on this story saying that my language is too modern and Haldir is OOC some (or much) of the time. I know both these criticisms are right. I am trying to pull things in a little, but it may well be beyond hope. This story is not canon and does not pretend otherwise, so try not to take it too seriously.  
  
'Part 19'  
  
Tulienne landed rather hard on her backside and uttered a very offensive description of her future husband.  
  
"You are not concentrating," Haldir told her, as he pulled her back to her feet. "That should not have caught you out."  
  
Tulienne groaned as she brushed dry earth off her clothes. "I must introduce you to Lord Glorfindel if we should ever visit Imladris," she said wryly. "I suspect you would find much in common."  
  
They took up the fight again and not long after Tulienne was on the floor again.  
  
"I begin to think that you design your training exercises as excuses to get me flat on my back."  
  
Haldir's eyes glinted as he circled her, stalking with the grace of a feline. "Since when do I require an excuse?"  
  
"Very soon if you keep this up," was the sharp retort, as Tulienne rose gracefully to her feet.  
  
Haldir just smiled smugly. "Not when you obviously find me irresistible."  
  
And then it was him on the floor.  
  
"Don't count on that," Tulienne said. "Don't count on that at all. The fact that I choose to yield to temptation does not mean that I can't resist it."  
  
"Those are easy words to say," he taunted.  
  
Haldir found himself jerked to his feet and into a passionate kiss.  
  
"Haven't you realised yet that I'm not all talk?" she whispered against his lips as air necessitated a parting.  
  
"Aye," Haldir said, one long finger tracing the contours of her face. "That I have. And I thank it." Silence reigned then as the March Warden gifted his chosen with a kiss that would have brought lesser elleths to their knees.  
  
A short time later, they were interrupted by a throat being cleared unnecessarily loudly and were forced to pay attention to two very similar faces sporting worrying grins.  
  
"We have news," Orophin said, looking like he was trying not to laugh. A rather mangled missive was clenched in his fist.  
  
"We have very important news," Rumil added, obviously no better off.  
  
"We have very important and very bad news," Orophin said, eyes dancing with mirth.  
  
"Has your new wife discovered your little collection, then?" Haldir asked, smirking at his youngest brother.  
  
"What little collection?" Tulienne asked, as Rumil flushed rosy.  
  
"It doesn't matter," Rumil said quickly. "Anyway, that pales in comparison."  
  
"Read this," Orophin said, thrusting the parchment into Haldir's hands.  
  
Haldir took it, smoothly out the creases as best he could, and read it. He went white, then green, then red. His shoulders began to shake and his grey eyes turned ominously black.  
  
Tulienne grabbed the parchment from his hands when he looked up again and scanned it quickly. Her features iced over.  
  
"No," Haldir said.  
  
"No, what?" Orophin asked.  
  
"No, I will not under any circumstances allow him or any of his relations to enter the golden wood," Haldir stated flatly, a muscle in his cheek starting to twitch slightly under the strain of maintaining his stony expression. "If I have to skewer him on my own sword to keep him out, then I will do so." His shook his head as a nasty grin conquered his face. "And Valar help me, I will enjoy it."  
  
"Perhaps not the best metaphor to use in the circumstances," Rumil suggested helpfully, thoroughly enjoying his brother's discomfort.  
  
"In fact it's probably exactly what he has in mind," Tulienne said grimly.  
  
"Actually, I think he'd expect Haldir to be on the receiving end," Orophin said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
A split-second and Haldir's sword tip was pressing into his throat.  
  
"If you wish to be able to consummate your marriage, hold your tongue," Haldir growled. "I do not find your jests anymore amusing than his. And I will not allow him even into the same city as I."  
  
"Haldir, this isn't an under-washed ranger we're talking about," Rumil protested. "This is the Prince of Mirkwood – accompanied by the King, no less. You can't refuse their passage just because you're somewhat less than fond of them."  
  
"Somewhat less than fond?" Haldir repeated caustically. "A greater understatement is scarcely possible. My brother, I intend to cause him more pain than he can conceive of, to every accessible body part. He shall not leave this wood alive."  
  
"That would certainly make a novel welcome speech," Orophin chuckled.  
  
"Actually," Tulienne said suddenly, her eyes lighting up again. "I think this could be fun."  
  
Three pairs of eyes stared at her in abject disbelief.  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Are you drunk?"  
  
"Are you mad?"  
  
"Yes, no, possibly. In that order," Tulienne said. "But think about it. Four of us – six with my cousins – and one of him. As well as all this very motivational rage. There must be possibilities in that."  
  
"She has a point," Orophin said thoughtfully. "Last time he had his brothers to help – and you know he's got them both wrapped around his finger. The odds have definitely slanted in our favour."  
  
"But King Thranduil . . . isn't he a bit of a threat?" Rumil asked, frowning.  
  
"I won't deny he could be difficult," Tulienne replied. "Must easier if we were in Rivendell – Lord Erestor could make him go down the waterfalls in a barrel if he had a mind to – but I think if the GHMC were to appeal to its highest ranking member, we might manage to keep him occupied."  
  
All three brothers thought about this, came to the same conclusion and then rejected it for the sake of their sanity.  
  
"Come on Haldir," Tulienne said, starting to grin wickedly. "Do you want to get mad, or do you want to get even?"  
  
***  
  
"And he said . . . ?" Salia prompted.  
  
"What do you think?" Tulienne said cheerfully, reaching across Ceilwyn's dining table for another pastry. "I think they've gone to explain the quest to Lord Celeborn right now."  
  
"I find it hard to believe he would agree to this."  
  
Tulienne picked a berry out of her snack and popped it in her mouth. "I have it on good authority that the terrible twins didn't just get their appalling sense of humour from one side of their family."  
  
"Here we go," Ceilwyn said, appearing from the kitchen bearing yet another plate of sweet things. "Tuck in."  
  
"You shouldn't do this, Wyn," Tulienne said, doing as ordered.  
  
"Do what?" Ceilwyn asked nervously, sitting down with them.  
  
"The perfect wife routine. You're going to make us look bad."  
  
"No, no," Salia disagreed. "Cook now, worry about that later. These are excellent." She smiled. "But speaking of perfect wives . . . is Rumil the perfect husband?"  
  
Ceilwyn blushed. "So far things are . . . nice."  
  
"Only nice?" Tulienne said, pretending to be concerned. "I'll have to ask Haldir to give him a few pointers. I'm sure he can do better than 'nice'."  
  
"Don't tease, Tuli," Salia said reproachfully. "I'm sure that he was nice more than once."  
  
Ceilwyn went even redder.  
  
"Or maybe she's already lost count," Tulienne suggested. "After all, wardens need plenty of stamina."  
  
"What happens between my husband and I is quite private," Ceilwyn said primly. "I have not asked you for any such details, and I'm sure Haldir would object if I had."  
  
"Not necessarily, not if I what I said was complimentary," Tulienne replied. "But yes, I suppose I should start to behave and follow your impeccable example of a good wife, before Haldir comes to his senses and realises how much better he could do."  
  
"Don't worry, Adar won't let him change his mind," Ceilwyn said comfortingly, patting Tulienne's hand.  
  
Tulienne pulled a face. "Won't he? I know he seems to have resigned himself to us being wed, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't leap at the chance to split us up if it came."  
  
"Not after he's finally succeeded in getting you two together."  
  
Tulienne blinked several times. "Explain."  
  
Ceilwyn looked coyly away. "I really shouldn't be telling you this."  
  
"Not an option," Tulienne said sternly. "Talk."  
  
Ceilwyn leaned forward, the others following her lead. "Adar's being trying to set you up with Haldir practically since you came to Lorien," she said, in a confidential tone.  
  
Tulienne leant back in her chair again. "That is perfectly absurd. No one of sense could believe such a thing."  
  
"Who introduced you to Rumil and so to Haldir?"  
  
Tulienne frowned. "Uncle Thronin."  
  
"Who turned a blind eye to you wandering around after dark and meeting up with them?" Salia said, catching on.  
  
"Who let you get Rumil and I back together by teaming up with Elladan, thus making Haldir jealous?"  
  
"Who created that whole situation in the first place?"  
  
"Stop!" Tulienne exclaimed. "Is this for real? This whole thing has been a plot to get me and Haldir together? This is madness, I cannot believe it. What about when he dragged us off to Celeborn and asked if he could publicly flog Haldir for daring to touch me? That was just a little too convincing – what if he'd said yes?"  
  
"Lord Celeborn would never agree to such a thing," Ceilwyn said, shocked.  
  
"And as it happens," Salia said, daring a smile. "Adar and he are quite good friends."  
  
"Well, that's just fabulous," Tulienne said, fuming. "All of Lorien has devoted themselves to my love life. Lord Celeborn himself has deigned to make sure I get wed. Would someone care to explain this? Will our bonding hail a new age? Must we fulfil a prophecy? Will our child save Arda or unite the elven realms?"  
  
Salia and Ceilwyn exchanged glances. "I think they just thought it would be amusing to see Haldir fall in love," Salia said apologetically.  
  
"And since they've already tried most of the elleths in Lorien – plus the princess of Mirkwood – they . . ."  
  
"The princess too? Oh that's just wonderful! The whole of that family of orcish sirens. What next? Will I be fighting King Thranduil off Haldir as well?" Tulienne went white. "Oh Eru, no. Anyone but him. He's like a golden god – how can I compete with that?"  
  
". . . they thought you might be the one for the job," Salia finished. "You didn't even get intimidated when he glowered at you the first time – and that's something a good few of his young wardens can't boast. And the princess of Mirkwood wasn't interested in him even a little bit. Which they finally determined when she tried to kiss Galadriel."  
  
Tulienne stared, her pastry forgotten. "She kissed the Lady of the Light?" she asked in disbelief. "How did she have the nerve? Even I wouldn't try to do that." She frowned. "That is, assuming I wanted to in the first palce."  
  
"That visit was fun," Salia said wistfully. "Even though Adar forced us to stay away and hear it all later. The whole family came. Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel held a feast to celebrate them leaving."  
  
"Don't they usually?"  
  
"No, *them leaving*," Salia stressed. "It didn't start until they'd left the Golden Wood."  
  
"Haldir escorted them personally," Ceilwyn agreed. "Rumil says he had his bow ready to shoot them if they tried to come back."  
  
"And yet they are," Tulienne pointed out.  
  
"Apparently the Lord and Lady agreed with Thranduil to make another attempt. So long as he didn't bring all his children at once."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"No one likes to ask," Rumil said, as he came through the door. "But it's rumoured that Lord Celeborn is very fond of Mirkwood's home brew." He took the fourth seat at the table, kissed his wife and helped himself to a pastry. "So, what have I missed?"  
  
"You wife and sister have just been explaining about a little plot to get Haldir and I together."  
  
Rumil paused. "You know about that?"  
  
"Aye, and apparently so do you."  
  
Rumil shrugged. "My father in law briefed me on it," he said. "It's only a shame he didn't tell us earlier. We could have fixed it sooner if we'd been working together."  
  
Tulienne looked at him impassively. "Is everyone in Lorien this bored, or is it only you? You must sorely lack entertainment if this is the best use you can find for your time."  
  
Rumil grinned. "You have it wrong, cousin," he said, winking at her. "Things such as this are precisely the reason why Lorien is never dull." 


	20. Elves Behaving Badly

So far I haven't said much about timing, but in this fic Legolas is YOUNG. If I understand correctly, elves reach their majority at 50. Legolas is about 250-300 here, so still very young in elvish terms. The last time he came to Lorien, he was only just past his majority.  
  
Pen-neth – young one Ellon – male elf Elleth – female elf Mae govannen – well met Hannad lle – thank you Thranduilion – son of Thranduil  
  
In this part, Tulienne gets insecure and does something incredibly stupid. Ooo, but Haldir's going to be mad when he finds out . . .  
  
'Part 20'  
  
If the notorious prince of Mirkwood was in any way apprehensive about being alone in Lorien – with his father already occupied in undoing the damage of his last visit – he didn't show it. He made himself quite charming to the elves helping with his belongings and confirmed that he was indeed immune to telekinesis. Either from Haldir – who was trying to strangle him – or from the small legion of maidens he had attracted – whose intentions were unprintable. He smiled innocently back at all the lovers and admirers of said elleths, who were giving him foul looks, and altogether radiated golden beauty as only a son of Thranduil could. For Tulienne, it was hate at first sight. And the way his eyes lit up when he spotted Haldir sealed his fate.  
  
"Mae govannen, Haldir of Lorien," he greeted him with a smile. "And Rumil, Orophin. I am most glad to see you again."  
  
The look of abject loathing on Haldir's face suggested that perhaps – just perhaps – the feeling was not mutual.  
  
Legolas' smile faltered a little and gave way to a look of repentance. "I see you have not forgotten I and my brothers' . . . high spirits . . . the last time we visited," he said.  
  
"High spirits," Haldir said, his tone lethal, "would have been slightly embarrassing me in front of a few elleths. Completely and utterly humiliating me in front of all of Lorien is another matter. Is it not a transgression I will push aside lightly. I am not a foolish maiden to be won over by your pout."  
  
That pout seemed to be imminent. "What would you have me do then?" Legolas said. "I acknowledge I did you wrong, but I assure you I regret it and apologise for it. If it assists, I will also say that Adar made sure I was severely punished."  
  
"Aye, it assists," Haldir said, a dangerous gleam coming to his eyes as he exchanged glances with his brothers. "But it does not put the matter to rest."  
  
"However," Rumil said, stepping up to Legolas and putting a companionable arm around his shoulders. "If you were to allow *us* to punish you as we see fit . . . I think we could settle this to the satisfaction of all concerned."  
  
The first signs of worry were flickering in the Mirkwood prince's eyes. He studied the three brothers.  
  
"What . . . what did you have in mind?" he asked slowly.  
  
"Now that's difficult," Orophin said.  
  
"It's a question of where to start," Rumil added cheerfully. "Of where to hit . . ."  
  
". . . and how hard to hit it," Orophin finished, rubbing his hands together in glee.  
  
"Fortunately," Haldir said, grinning sadistically. "We have several weeks to consider this. So you need not concern yourself that we will disappoint. I have every intention of giving this matter my undivided attention."  
  
***  
  
A few days later, many of the inhabitants of Lorien were awoken by what could only be described as a shriek. A short time later, the youngest prince of Mirkwood was seen stumbling through Caras Galadhon, his tunic half unbuttoned, two different boots on his feet and his long hair streaming out behind him.  
  
Haldir got a rather rude awakening himself when his door was pounded on and he opened it to find a slightly hysterical Legolas on his doorstep.  
  
He tried valiantly not to laugh. It proved to be beyond his capabilities.  
  
"Look what they've done to my hair!" Legolas shrieked again, nearly doing permanent damage to Haldir's ears. "You've gone too far this time. I have been more than adequately punished these last few days. It is over!"  
  
"I would not concern yourself," Haldir said, reigning in his mirth with great difficulty. "It's really quite becoming."  
  
Legolas' look of scorching indignation only made the moment sweeter.  
  
"You just wait until my Adar sees this. He will . . ."  
  
". . .do nothing," Haldir finished smugly, folding his arms. "I understand King Thranduil has decided to turn a blind eye to our little quest for justice."  
  
"Justice?!" exclaimed a steaming Legolas.  
  
"Aye, justice," Haldir answered composedly. "And we have not done you any great wrong. A few harmless little pranks in return for a grave humiliation. Pull yourself together princeling, and stop behaving like a maiden still short of her majority."  
  
"I am not behaving like a maiden," Legolas shouted. "I am behaving like a perfectly normal ellon WHOSE HAIR HAS BEEN DYED BRIGHT GREEN!"  
  
"We debated turning it blue," Haldir told him. "But Orophin felt green would allow you to blend in when you return home. We would not want your party set upon by orcs."  
  
"I would rather face a legion of orcs than you and your confounded relatives," Legolas said, his flushed face only serving to highlight his lurid hair. "And I have every intention of persuading Adar to cut our trip here short, if this is the treatment I am to receive."  
  
"This is but a fraction of the damage you inflicted on your last visit."  
  
"Haldir, please," Legolas pleaded. "I was barely into my majority then – a mere elfling. I have grown, I have changed. I came here with every intention of making amends for my actions – but not to be tortured by my own kin!"  
  
Haldir regarded him impassively, leaning on the doorframe. "But would you still be repentant if you had your brothers with you and our numbers were equal?"  
  
"Are you calling me a liar?" Legolas demanded.  
  
"I could call you a great deal worse, pen-neth, and it would be nothing but the truth."  
  
Legolas' shoulders slumped. "Clearly then I have sullied myself forever in your eyes," he said. "Do your worst, Haldir of Lorien, for you cannot punish me more than that." He started to walk away.  
  
"Legolas."  
  
He turned back, just in time to catch the bottle Haldir tossed him.  
  
"It may take a few washes," Haldir said. "But that will take care of it."  
  
And then he shut the door.  
  
***  
  
"You look troubled, Prince Legolas," Tulienne said mildly, when he came too close to be ignored.  
  
Legolas looked up, startled, which said everything one needed to know about his mood. Tulienne regarded him from her perch in the tree, noting that his hair had faded to a pale mint green.  
  
"You hail from Imladris, do you not?" was the only reply she got.  
  
"I passed all my minority and majority there until two years ago," Tulienne said. "But my parents felt the call of the sea while I did not, so I came here to join my remaining kin."  
  
Legolas' brow furrowed. "Your cousin is bound to Haldir's brother, is she not?"  
  
"Rumil, yes."  
  
"Then you know of what has passed between us all."  
  
Tulienne smiled. "I hear you made Haldir quite the spectacle, I am only sorry I wasn't here to witness it."  
  
Legolas finally cracked a smile. "It was fairly unforgettable," he admitted.  
  
"And fun."  
  
Legolas shifted uncomfortably. "I am sure I was not the only one who found enjoyment in it. But that does not mean that I consider my actions were just."  
  
"Of course not," Tulienne said comfortingly. "Anyone can see that you are truly repentant and that, in fact, you harbour great affection for Haldir."  
  
"Aye, too great."  
  
"Admittedly the path to Haldir's heart is not without its hazards."  
  
"Does he have a mate, do you know?"  
  
Tulienne hesitated. "I believe there is a . . .contender . . . but he is not bound. If you would pursue him, your way is clear."  
  
Legolas ran his fingers lightly over the bark of the tree. "Do you believe I would interest him?"  
  
"I do not pretend to know that, but the only way to determine it is to try."  
  
"Under the circumstances, is that wise?"  
  
Tulienne grinned. "Do you fear a challenge? I expected more from you, Thranduilion."  
  
Legolas glared up at her, his eyes narrowed. "I fear nothing. And I do not fail to get what I desire for want of trying."  
  
"Then what keeps you here?"  
  
Legolas smiled. "Nothing," he said. "Hannad lle."  
  
Tulienne's smile faded as he hurried off, and she took a deep breath.  
  
"Now then, March Warden," she whispered. "We will see if you speak true." 


	21. Building Things With Lego

I should confess at the outset that I am a Haldir/Legolas shipper. But this is not a H/L fic. Even so, this was too much fun not to write. Nothing major, but if the slightest mention of slash freaks you out then proceed with caution.  
  
I have also read a little too much slash featuring Legolas – he's in ALL of it, I swear – and now find it hard to imagine a world where he actually likes females. Other then when I'm reading Meteor Rain.  
  
Otherwise, I hope this is as much fun to read as it was to write. ;-)  
  
272 reviews!  
  
Wanton Elfbanger – the name definitely says it all, LOL! I mostly read the fics over at aff.net. Many of the best are there and a bit of elf-smut doesn't hurt either ;-). But I just can't write it.  
  
Dragonfly – you're always the first to read my chapters, so hannad lle. I think Tulienne can banter until the cows come home, but she's not one for opening up easily. This thing with Haldir is uncharted territory and she's finding it rocky terrain.  
  
Melamin – my love Melda – beloved in Quenya (I think)  
  
'Part 21'  
  
Not for the first time of late, Haldir was not entirely sure what was going on.  
  
He'd been instantly suspicious when Legolas had suddenly appeared at the archery range and challenged him to a short impromptu competition. He'd been more surprised when the prince had accepted his defeat quite willingly. And he'd been down right stunned when Legolas had actually deigned to ask if Haldir could point out what he was doing wrong.  
  
Then Legolas had asked him for a tour of Caras Galadhon. Haldir was perfectly willing to talk about his beloved home for hours to just about anyone who happened to be interested – and there were precious few since they rarely had visitors. But the fact that the one asking was the same one he had sworn revenge on left him more than a little bemused. Surely it could not be sensible for Legolas to seek out the company of his enemy?  
  
At first he had assumed Legolas was waiting for the ideal moment to punish him, but it hadn't come yet. And, despite himself, Haldir had to admit he was becoming somewhat fond of the prince. He could be quite enjoyable company when his hair was left alone.  
  
And so, to his brothers' extreme disappointment, Haldir had called off the revenge attempt and decided to make friends with Legolas. Amazingly, Tulienne didn't seem to mind that he was gradually spending more and more time with the prince. Haldir reasoned that Legolas wouldn't be here for very long so this was only logical. He really was lucky to have found such an understanding elleth.  
  
Tonight he and Legolas were having dinner together. Haldir was cooking and Legolas had promised to provide dessert. He was looking forward to that. Mirkwood must have many delicacies that he hadn't yet tried.  
  
***  
  
"Haldir is having dinner with Legolas?" Rumil repeated disbelievingly. "Just the two of them?"  
  
"That's right," Tulienne said grimly, continuing to eat her dinner.  
  
The other four round the table exchanged glances and raised eyebrows.  
  
"And you have no problem with this?" Orophin asked uncertainly.  
  
"That depends," Tulienne said, stabbing her food with her fork. It went right through, hit the plate and squeaked.  
  
"On what?" Salia asked, looking as bemused as the rest.  
  
"On how it ends."  
  
The first signs of alarm became visible on the faces surrounding her.  
  
"Er . . .what do you mean 'how it ends'?" Rumil enquired.  
  
Tulienne looked up irritably. "It's quite simple," she said. "They've done the 'getting to know you' thing, so tonight's the night. What happens next depends on whether Haldir says yes or no."  
  
"Yes or no to what?" Orophin asked.  
  
"To Legolas, obviously."  
  
The brothers stared, Salia choked as her water went down the wrong way, Ceilwyn went pale.  
  
"You . . ." Rumil started to say, then recovered a little. "You think Legolas is going to try to . . . to . . ."  
  
"Seduce him."  
  
"Why do you think that?" Orophin demanded.  
  
"Because he's in love with him."  
  
"Legolas is in love with Haldir?" Orophin repeated faintly.  
  
Tulienne looked up at them, frowning. "You can't tell me you didn't know. It's blatantly obvious. Haven't you noticed the way he looks at him?"  
  
"Yes, but . . .he admires him, that's all. Haldir's a skilled warrior and the prince is still learning. It's only natural that . . ."  
  
". . . he'd become totally smitten," Tulienne finished. "Besides, even if I hadn't already realised, I've heard the truth from his own lips."  
  
"Really?" Orophin croaked.  
  
"And this doesn't . . . surprise you?" Rumil asked.  
  
"Why would it? Haldir is very fair, I doubt very much if Legolas is the first to notice that."  
  
"Well no," Rumil conceded. "But he's . . .well, he's a *he*."  
  
"I have observed this."  
  
The brothers didn't look mollified. Tulienne rolled her eyes. "Yes, they're both male. It's quite common, you know. I know you're a little uptight about it here in Lorien, but elsewhere it really isn't considered a big deal."  
  
"And it doesn't bother you to think of two males. . ." Orophin started, then shuddered and broke off.  
  
Tulienne shot them both a disbelieving look. "I think you forget that I come from *Rivendell*," she said meaningfully. "Home of Lord Elrond and his golden-haired love."  
  
"I thought Lady Celebrian sailed west centuries ago," Salia said, confused.  
  
Tulienne actually laughed at that. "Who said anything about Celebrian?" she said, wiggling her eyebrows.  
  
Rumil and Orophin correctly interpreted the hint and evidently wished they hadn't.  
  
"I won't be able to look him in the eye if he ever comes here again," Rumil said, putting his head down on the table.  
  
"Oh stop being so melodramatic," Tulienne said crossly, her good mood vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. "In answer to your earlier question, no I do not care that Legolas is male. The point is that he is the only other person Haldir has apparently felt moved to kiss and I want to know where I stand. And tonight I shall find out. By tomorrow you should know if you'll be getting a brother or a sister in law. For now, eat your dinner and drop it. I'm not in the mood."  
  
Both brothers were fervently hoping Haldir wasn't either.  
  
***  
  
"That was great, Haldir," Legolas said, sitting back in his chair and rubbing his stomach appreciatively. "You're an excellent cook."  
  
Haldir smiled back, pouring himself another glass of wine. "It's a survival technique," he replied. "Every time I fight with one of my brothers, I make food for them and they forget all about it."  
  
"I can see why."  
  
Haldir filled Legolas' glass too, since it was running low, and settled back in his own chair. "And now, Prince Legolas, I believe you owe me some dessert," he said.  
  
He was very curious about that. Legolas had shown up empty-handed, so Haldir could only assume he intended to prepare it here.  
  
Legolas sat up slowly. "I certainly do," he said. He made his way over to the kitchen and began poking through cupboards.  
  
"I do not know if I will have everything you need," Haldir apologised. "What do you seek?"  
  
Legolas' head popped up from behind a work surface, where he was kneeling in front of a cupboard.  
  
"Do you have any cream?" he asked.  
  
Haldir frowned. "I believe so, somewhere. Perhaps the third cupboard."  
  
Legolas found it and set the container on the work surface. "Excellent," he said.  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"We will probably be needing some form of salve, or oil."  
  
Haldir blinked. He couldn't think of any dessert that involved salve. "I believe I have some in my patrol pack," he offered. "Though I am not certain if it is edible."  
  
Legolas grinned at him. "I have no intention of eating it," he said.  
  
Haldir started to get a little suspicious.  
  
"Legolas," he said slowly, "what exactly does this dessert involve?"  
  
He didn't get an answer. He was on the point of getting up to investigate when a pair of deceptively slender arms snaked their way around his chest.  
  
"Whatever you want it to, melamin," Legolas whispered into his ear, before taking the tip of it in his mouth and sucking ever so gently.  
  
At that point, admittedly a little late in the day, Haldir finally cottoned on to what was happening.  
  
He gasped out loud and shot up from his chair. Only when he was safely on what had been Legolas' side of his table did he feel relatively safe and able to speak.  
  
"What . . .?" he started. "When . . .? How . . .?"  
  
He didn't know what reaction he had expected from Legolas, but confusion was not it.  
  
"What's the matter, Haldir?" Legolas asked, leaning on the back of the chair Haldir had recently vacated.  
  
Haldir paused and tried to get himself fully under control, difficult when he'd never felt less so.  
  
"What exactly is going on here?" he asked finally.  
  
Legolas looked a little unsure how to respond. "Isn't it obvious?"  
  
Actually it was. Painfully so. But Haldir found himself somewhat unwilling to let go of his delusions just yet.  
  
"You were the one who invited me here tonight," Legolas was saying. "I thought you wanted this. I thought . . . "  
  
He stopped. A look of comprehension appeared on his face. Haldir tensed involuntarily. He tensed more as Legolas came towards him. It took considerable self-control to stand strong and not back away warily, as his instincts wanted him to.  
  
"Forgive me, meldir," Legolas murmured, trailing long graceful fingers gently down Haldir's cheek. Haldir froze, temporarily unable to move. "I would never have imagined. But it is no matter, we will go slow. In this, perhaps I can be *your* guide."  
  
Haldir's muddled brain just about managed to process this and understand the implication. Unfortunately, by the time it achieved this Haldir couldn't speak due to his mouth being sealed. Legolas was kissing him. It wasn't entirely unpleasant.  
  
Before Haldir had a chance to react, Legolas had pulled away again. He stood expectantly, clearly waiting for Haldir to make the next move. Whatever that next move was.  
  
Haldir opened his mouth several times to respond and shut it again. How did one respond to this? When it came to unwanted advances from elleths, he had relied on his patented method of scaring them off before they tried. The only one that hadn't worked with was Tulienne. Somehow he suspected it wouldn't work in this case either.  
  
Tulienne. Of course, that was the best approach.  
  
Haldir took a deep breath. "Legolas," he said, "I am deeply . . ."  
  
Stunned, overwhelmed, horrified.  
  
". . . flattered, but I'm afraid you have misinterpreted my regard for you. I am involved with another and intend to bind myself to her once our courtship has run its course. I am unavailable."  
  
Legolas looked stricken. "Who?" he whispered.  
  
"The cousin of my brother Rumil's wife. Tulienne."  
  
Legolas was now staring at him. "She is the one who told me you were free," he exclaimed. "And encouraged me to pursue you."  
  
A complex wave of emotions crashed against Haldir's outwardly calm exterior and threatened to break it down. "Indeed?" he said, his eyes darkening as Tulienne's behaviour over the last few weeks suddenly began to have meaning if not sense. "Then clearly we are both due an explanation for this. Wait here and I will bring her before us to provide it."  
  
He started for the door. Legolas' hand on his arm stopped him.  
  
"Haldir," Legolas said, looking unusually uncertain. "If she . . . if you two should not be bound, would that make any difference to . . . ?"  
  
Funny how the answer that a few weeks ago would have been so certain was now so unsure.  
  
"I . . . don't have an answer to that," he said finally.  
  
Legolas nodded, apparently willing to accept that. "I do not think I wish to stay here," he said, in a remarkably composed tone. "Clearly you and your melda have much to discuss. I will speak to you once you have answers for me."  
  
And Haldir was left alone. To go after an explanation he wasn't sure he wanted to hear. 


	22. Why?

This chapter took far too long, is too short and is not funny (or not deliberately anyway). I apologise for all these things. Massive writer's block. Imagination has drowned in chocolate.  
  
Aussie881 – the line started as 'Elrond and his golden-haired queen', but I felt that was a) derogatory and b) somewhat unfair when applied to a legendary balrog-slayer.  
  
Wanton Elfbanger – I tend to like a little smut with my plot, as opposed to the other way around. Favourites are 'The Old Ways', the 'Pilgrim' and 'Greenleaf and Imladris' series and of course 'Elanor's Revenge'.  
  
About to hit the 300 mark!  
  
I'm thinking of winding things up (for real this time). This story has definitely wandered far from what it was supposed to be. As I said, this chapter isn't funny. Somehow things got a bit serious.  
  
'Part 22'  
  
When Haldir appeared at the door to his brother's talan a short time later, he was wearing his Marchwarden's face. Which is to say that his expression was cold, hard and utterly unreadable.  
  
"A word," he said curtly, eyes boring into Tulienne. "Now."  
  
And he stalked out.  
  
Tulienne rose, looking remarkably composed considering what she was faced with, and followed without a word.  
  
Orophin let out a long, low whistle. "I am so glad I'm not her," he said.  
  
***  
  
"Shut the door."  
  
Tulienne did so.  
  
Haldir nodded sharply to a chair that he had placed in the middle of the floor. "Sit."  
  
No wise elf would have disobeyed.  
  
Haldir began to circle her.  
  
"I put it to you," he said, "that you did deliberately and with dishonest intent inform one Legolas Thranduilion first that I was unattached and second that I would be amenable to being pursued by him in the manner of a courtship. And as if this were not enough, you also encouraged me to spend large amounts of time with him thus further encouraging him. Are you guilty, aye or nay?"  
  
"I didn't . . . "  
  
"Aye or nay!" Haldir snapped.  
  
Tulienne shifted in her seat and folded her arms across her chest. "Aye," she said.  
  
"I did not hear that."  
  
"Aye," she said again, raising her voice.  
  
Haldir acknowledged this with a nod. "What explanation have you for this?"  
  
Tulienne slumped further down in her seat. "I wanted to know if anything would happen between you if I let it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Tulienne raised her head to stare at him. "What do you mean, 'why?'?"  
  
"I mean, 'why?'," Haldir repeated, his tone giving nothing away. "By your own admission, you have all but encouraged me to break my vows to you and I feel I have every right to know your motive."  
  
"I wanted to know if you would leave me for him."  
  
"What made you believe that I would?"  
  
"Just let me ask one question . . . "  
  
"I am asking the questions here."  
  
"You'll get your answers when I get mine!" Tulienne flared, abandoning the chair and moving to within an inch of him. "Do you consider him beautiful, aye or nay?"  
  
"Aye, I would not judge it a matter for debate."  
  
"If I were not here, if we had never met, would you pursue him?"  
  
Haldir paused. "It is a not a matter I had considered at all until fairly recently," he said. "I cannot give a sure answer. Perhaps I would entertain the idea."  
  
"You will not give a clearer answer than that?"  
  
"Nay, there would be too much to consider," Haldir told her. "Such relationships are not so common, nor so easily accepted in Lorien as they are in Rivendell or Mirkwood. And although I am aware of the innate duality of our kind, I do not know if I could overcome my doubts on the matter to that degree. And, as it is, Legolas must reside in Mirkwood most of the time while I am tied – by my own will – to Lorien. And I doubt very much if King Thranduil would approve. Such a coupling would have the odds stacked against it before it had ever begun."  
  
"You seem to have given this much thought," Tulienne observed, biting her lip.  
  
"Legolas has also asked this question of me and deserves an honest answer."  
  
Tulienne looked at him, insecurity shining from her eyes. "So, does that mean you intend to turn his offer down?"  
  
"Why is it that you ask me this question?"  
  
"You're avoiding answering."  
  
"Nay, I am not," Haldir said firmly. "This is part of the answer. You seem almost desirous that I declare I will break my oaths to you and court another. Is this your wish? For rest assured, if your heart is changed and you no longer wish to bind to me, I will release you without reproach or question."  
  
"You would?" Tulienne whispered.  
  
"Aye, I would. It is your right to ask and my duty to acquiesce. But even if it were not, I would still do so for I have no desire to share eternity with one who stands beside me only so as not to be an oath-breaker, nor would I desire such a life for you. If this is the motive behind your folly then I will not oppose you. Our vows are dissolved, you are free to go."  
  
Tulienne looked utterly deflated. "And you, Haldir?" she asked softly. "Will you go to him?"  
  
"Nay, I will not," Haldir said, equally softly. "For whatever place he has or might have in my heart is far eclipsed by the one reserved for you and I would not wish for him or anyone a life spent with one who loves another."  
  
Tulienne gazed at him. "You mean that?"  
  
"If I did not," Haldir said, somewhat stiffly, "I would not have said it."  
  
"You still want to bind yourself to me, even though I'm a jealous fool?"  
  
"If it was jealously that made you act thusly, then aye, you are a fool. But one I do not care to live without."  
  
Tulienne looked at her feet. "Then I think I owe you an apology."  
  
"I would give it to Legolas, for it is him who stands to be hurt by this."  
  
"I will go to him now," Tulienne said. A shadow of her usual self passed across her face. "I then I will return, and apologise properly."  
  
Haldir smiled to himself as she walked out.  
  
There were some things no Mirkwood dessert could compete with. 


End file.
